A Beating Heart
by StillWalking99
Summary: Emilia might found shelter in Alexandria, but she couldn't find peace from what she's been through before. When a new group arrives, Emilia eventually makes the decisive step from merely surviving to actually living - but only because of her confusing connection to a certain crossbow-carrying stranger...
1. Chapter 1

_Chapter 1_

 _So, news is, there's a new group in town_.

Aaron told me few hours ago when he came around to give me some books about planting. He still kept trying after all these months. Still wanted me to participate. _Emilia_ , he always said, _you need to make friends_. But I just couldn't. Maybe I wasn't thankful. I sighted. They were with Deanna now. There would be a welcome party. I should come, Aaron had said. I had nodded, but we both knew that I wouldn't.

I sat on the porch and looked up to the moon. Thinking back, wringing my hands. I had to admit that I was a bit curious about these new people. I knew that the other survivors always kept up hope that someday Aaron would bring back someone they once knew. A relict of the good old days, a friend, a relative, a colleague, anybody. Everyone I knew was dead. I was sure as hell about that.

But still I couldn't help the curiosity. So, I stood up and walked slowly towards the center of the town. Good people, Aaron had said. I knew were all the others were living and which of the houses were free. So I turned right towards some of the empty residences. There was light in a big one just two streets from mine. Slowly I walked down the street, trying to appear normal. Just some casual citizen on her evening walk. There were figures sitting on the dark front porch, two men and a woman - as far as I could make out. One with blond hair and a beard sat on the front stairs. A woman with short grey hair stood behind him. The other guy, with dark hair hanging in his face, sat on the balustrade leaning against a pillar. They looked tired. I starred at them blatantly as I passed. The guys eyed me back suspiciously, almost hostile. The woman smiled and waved. I frowned and nodded shortly. They seemed different from the other town folk. Hard and distant. They were out there for a while. I couldn't even imagine what they had to do to keep alive. _At least they had each other_. I passed the house and turned around the corner heading home again. I've seen enough so far.

The next day I met Jessie at the supplies center when I needed to stock up some food. She had always been nice but distant. Well, to be honest, I was the one still on the outside of this community. She smiled as I entered.

"You've seen the new arrivals?" she asked.

"Just some."

"They seem nice."

Not really, I thought, but nodded.

"You'll come to the party?"

I shrugged.

"You should." She passed me and went for the door. "Take care."

That was the longest conversation I had with another person than Aaron since weeks. I sighted. I asked for the stuff I needed. Olivia was eying me distrustful.

"Do you have any seeds or other stuff for planting?" I asked in my friendliest voice.

"What for?"

"I started a garden and I only have a few things to grow – like potatoes and some herbs. I'd like to grow wheat or beans or tomatoes - stuff like that. Could help us all."

She looked at me in disbelieve.

"No, there are no such things."

"Yeah, thought so." I nodded.

We eyed each other for another few seconds. I became nervous.

"I think it's a good idea." Olivia finally said.

I just nodded again. Then I took my stuff and made an escape from the awkward situation the people of Alexandria forced me into again and again. I went home and took the route which would take me around the house of the new arrivals. I couldn't even tell why.

As I came closer I could see one of the guys from the evening before on the porch again. He carried a baby, quietly talking to him while he rocked the little one in his arms. He looked sleazy; his hair a mess, hanging deeply in his face; his clothes dirty and worn out. The sleeves of his shirt were ripped off, leaving his muscular arms bare. As he turned I could see wings sewn to the back of his leather west. He didn't exactly look like a bad guy, but there was something edgy to his appearance. Nevertheless he cared very tenderly for the baby in his arms. He fed her with formula I could see as I came closer.

As I reached the front of the house I stopped. I didn't know why. I just stood there and watched him. Like a moron.

He had already seen me approaching, now that I stood there starring at him he turned towards me and starred back. His face was emotionless almost cold. So we gazed at each other, unmoving. I really couldn't tell what was so disturbing about him that left me gaping there. Couldn't even imagine what he was thinking. Maybe he thought I was a maniac or a psychopath. But his face was unreadable. He just stood there, watching. He didn't smile, he didn't nod or greet in any other way.

Slowly I started walking again. I could feel his gaze in my back. When I was around the corner I quickened my step. Strangely I felt like I was fleeing. It took like forever to reach my home and I went immediately inside like I had been hunted. Maybe I was losing my mind. I threw the food on the kitchen table and leaned on the counter, catching my breath. What a strange feeling.

Days always were the same in Alexandria: one after the other passing by in uneventful silence. I had fallen into a routine since I started my gardening project. Standing up, eating breakfast, tending the garden, reading, drinking coffee, reading, tending the garden, ignoring other people, eating dinner, sleeping. Every day. The only people from Alexandria I somehow connect with were Aaron and Eric- mainly because they brought me in. The first few months I had wrestled with myself whether I would stay or better leave again. After being alone for so long I felt uneasy around people.

The afternoon I had finished the last book I had lent from Eric. Garden was fine, couldn't do anything without seeds. House was clean. There was nothing I could do. So I decided to bring back the books to Eric and maybe lent some new. Slowly I walked through the town ignoring the stares of the other citizens.

I was about to knock at Eric's and Aaron's house when the door was pulled open and Eric almost ran into me.

"Emilia!" he said surprised.

"Hey," I tried a smile, but knew I failed, "I bring back your books."

"Oh, yes…" he looked down on the books in my hands.

"I thought maybe I could borrow some others?"

"Yes, of course." He stepped back inside and invited me in. "I'm sorry, but I'm in a hurry. Was due on guarding the gate ten minutes ago. But Aaron will be back in no time."

"I could come back later." I offered, already about to turn.

"No no, Aaron will be here any minute. He just wanted to pick up something from Olivia. We are always happy when you visit." He smiled such a nice reassuring smile that made me feel uncomfortable immediately.

"You know where to find the books, feel free to take as many as you want." He was already at the door and then - with a last wave and still that awfully nice smile on his face – he was gone and the door closed.

I thought about waiting a few minutes and then leaving again but then I decided otherwise. _Couldn't be that rude to these both_. They were trying so hard to be friends. So I walked over into the living room where they had lots of book shelves filled with any kind of literature.

I went through the titles, pulling some out, reading the introduction on the back and totally forgot where I was when I heard someone approaching. I turned round expecting Aaron and stopped short surprised as my eyes fell on somebody else.

It was the guy from the new group, the one feeding the baby on the porch, the one with the leather west. He had a towel in his hands, slowly rubbing his fingers which were black from some fluid, seemingly oil. He starred at me and I just stared back. After a while the silence became awkward. I cleared my throat.

"You are not Aaron." I said. _Very smart_.

The guy just kept starring. His face was bare any emotion, his steel blue eyes shining cold and making shivers running down my back. _This one is tough_ , I thought.

"Eric didn't say that you were here." I added insecure. "You… need something?"

"Could ask you the same."

His voice was rough and low. I frowned.

"Guess that's none of your business." I turned for the shelves again, feeling angry but somehow embarrassed and cursed my insecurity. _Strange_. I took another book and went through its pages. But I wasn't concentrating at all. I was listening carefully if that strange guy with the disturbing blue eyes was leaving. He wasn't. Again I could feel his eyes on my back and that made me damn nervous. I put the book away and reached for another one. I realized suddenly that my hands were trembling. I hoped he couldn't see that. _Why wasn't he leaving? What was he doing here anyway?_

"Gonna stand there forever?" I asked without turning, my voice icy.

He didn't answer.

I turned around to check if he was still there. He was. I took the book which I picked up last, couldn't even remember the title but I desperately had to get away from this situation.

"You're the one passing our house yesterday." The guy was accidently or purposely blocking the way out. I felt trapped.

"And?" I tried to sound bored but couldn't help that my voice was trembling. _Stupid, stupid Emilia!_

Before he could answer, the sound of the front door interrupted our exciting conversation, and a few seconds later Aaron came in. I released my breath in relieve.

"Daryl, you're here…" his sight fell upon me. "Emilia, hi." Aaron looked confused but smiled. "So you met, great. Emilia this is Daryl Dixon, he was with the group we brought in couple of days ago. He's working on the bike in our garage. Daryl, this is Emilia Sommer, she…"

"I just came to return your books and grab something new to read. Got this one. Thanks." I waved the book about my head. Never was so glad to see Aaron. Not even as he found me in the woods. "So, I'm… uhm… leaving again." I made my way to the door refusing to look at Daryl.

"Interesting." Aaron frowned. "Never knew you were into that kind of stuff." He pointed at the book in my hands. I followed his glance. _Chinese Export Porcelain for the American Trade 1785-1835. Fuck!_

"Yes, "I said, trying to keep my voice stable, "I am very much into… porcelain." I started to walk again, passing them quickly so they couldn't see my face.

"Wait" Aaron called as I reached the door, "we'll have dinner tonight, when Eric's back from duty. Daryl will be there too, wanna join us? Would be nice!"

I would rather eat in a room full of biters than spend dinner under the cold stare of these blue eyes.

"Nah," I turned back smiling, "I'm not in for double dating. Sorry." I waved with the book again and fled the house and the pejorative, dismissive eyes of new guy Daryl.

Two days later there was this party. Aaron reminded me around noon. _God, he was persistent_. I had no interest in small talk about how to make pasta and how to decorate your house or which was the best-smelling soap around. The folk of Alexandria lived there lives as if everything was still normal around these walls. Most of them never killed a walker. They've never been cold or hungry. They lost people, sure, but only far away. They haven't witnessed how people were torn apart by biters till there was nothing left but blood and raw flesh. I shivered, banning the memories from my mind.

It was already dark outside when I thought this night might get a little chilly and decided to check on the herbs again. I threw my jacket over my shoulder and went outside. All the houses at the end of the street were dark. It was so quiet because everybody else was at the welcome party. I felt reminded of my time in the woods when I was all alone. Sometimes my breath was the only sound, or the distant snarling of a walker.

I had planted the garden next to the house in front of the wall. The herbs were situated directly in the corner between the huge fence and wall of house so they only seldom were in direct sunshine. I had read that in a book. I had read so many books about gardening, but still actually I had no idea what I was doing. But I needed something to keep up.

I went down to my knees and touched the ground around the still tiny plants. The earth didn't feel that cold. But the air was freezing, maybe I should cover them. As I kneeled there, thinking what material I had and what could be used for coverage, a voice made me jump.

"I missed you at the party."

I twisted around seeing Aiden leaning against the corner of my house. He smiled. I rolled my eyes and stood up. He tried to hit on me several times but since he hadn't talked to me for about three weeks I thought he had given up. _Well, seems I was wrong_.

"I thought we might share a drink or two. Maybe dance a little." His smile grew wider and somehow it seemed dirty. He swayed slightly. Guess he was drunk.

"Seems you had already enough." I said emotionless.

"Come on, a little party never killed nobody?" He laughed at his own joke.

"Aiden," I said slowly, "I am not in the mood to explain my disinterest to you . Again."

"Always so repellent." He still smiled and made a step forward. He stumbled. _Jep, definitely drunk._

Rolling my eyes I decided I had enough of this and made a few steps in his direction towards the porch.

"Good night Aiden." I said when I passed him. But suddenly he grabbed my arm und pulled me back.

"Let go of me!" I hissed.

"I know girls like you need a little bit more persuasion." His eyes wandered down my body. "You always say no but deep inside you mean yes."

"Let go of me." I repeated pronouncing every word carefully. Aiden still smiled and grabbed for my other arm. I tried to free myself but his grip was firm. He really hurt me. I couldn't believe that this was actually happening! I tried to bring my knee up but he flinched back laughing. He twisted me around and pushed me against the house. He bent my arm back and pressed it against my back. I tried not to wince, not to show how much he hurt me. Fear washed through me. His head was over my shoulder, his mouth directly next to my ear.

"You will like it, I promise." He whispered.

I thought I might throw up when his other hand went down my lower back. Maybe I should scream, but nobody would hear me, they were all at the party on the other side of town. I panicked. I pushed back one more time but it had no use, Aiden was to strong.

But all of a sudden he was gone.

I was free.

I turned around quickly. Aiden was on the ground, looking up at someone standing over him. I could only see the back of my savior. Wings attached to a leather west. Daryl.

"What are you doing?" Aiden yelled at him.

"Girl said no." Daryl's voice was low and hoarse.

"We were just having some fun." Aiden tried to stand up. Daryl moved one step in front of me, blocking Aiden's view. The whole situation was absolutely surreal. It all happened so fast, I stood there, my body paralysed, my heart beating fast.

"You should leave." Daryl just said but it sounded threatening.

"Are you kidding?" Aiden tapped some dirt of his jacket.

Daryl just gave him a heavy push and Aiden fell back again.

"Leave."

With one last angry glance at me Aiden stood up, turned and left, limping slightly.

All the time I stood there, motionless, my hands turned into fists. Helpless. As Aiden was around the corner of the house Daryl turned and eyed me for a second.

"You're ok?" he asked.

But my eyes were still fixed on the edge of the house and it took me another few moments to calm down and relax. Finally I released my breath. My hands unfolded, they were still shaking – and hurting. As I looked down I realized, I pressed so hard that my nails cut into my palm. Daryl saw that, too.

He reached for my arm but I pulled back. He hesitated.

"You should go inside. Take care of your hands." Then he turned and walked away. I followed him a few steps behind. My mind was still trying to understand what just had happened.

As I reached the stairs in front of the house I hesitantly turned round.

"Thank you." I said almost voiceless. My right hand hurt like hell because my grip around the wooden balustrade was so firm. But the pain helped me to concentrate again.

Daryl was already at the street but he stopped. He took a moment, then he turned and nodded shortly. For another few seconds we starred at each other. My heart still beat like hell. _God, what an awful evening_. I shivered. Quickly I went inside.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

The next day there was someone knocking on my door. I hesitated and frowned. Reluctantly I laid down the book , afraid it could be Aiden again. Maybe he wanted to talk about yesterday, maybe he wanted to give it another shot.

As I opened up I looked surprised into the green eyes of the short-haired woman I saw the other night on the porch.

"Hello," the woman smiled. "I'm Carol."

I was too surprised to answer.

"I'm introducing myself to our new neighbourhood." She went on, ignoring my silence. "I brought some gratin." She held up a baking dish. I looked down on the bowl into her hands and up to her face again. _These people are crazy._

"Can I come inside? Emilia, isn't it?" without waiting for my answer she slipped through the door, leaving me standing there, mouth open, eyes blinking in disbelieve.

"This is really a nice home." Sounded like she was in the kitchen already.

"I'll be damned!" I mumbled to myself and closed the door.

I followed her voice and found her opening up my cupboards, searching through my stuff. _This is not happening!_

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Searching for plates." Carol smiled. "Don't want to let the gratin getting too cold." She found the correct kitchen cabinet and took out two dishes. The next second she set the table and took a seat. I was thrown off guard completely. Slowly I moved to the table. Carol had already started filling my plate with gratin.

"Daryl told me you were living here all on your own." She said casually. I tensed. What else he might have told her. Maybe this wasn't a neighbourly welcome visit after all. Maybe she knew about yesterday night? I picked up my fork. It didn't seem to bother Carol that I hadn't said another word yet. Indefatigably she smiled at me, chatting about the house and how nice the community was and its people. My mind circled around what she or anybody from her group had heard from stupid Daryl. I wasn't really paying attention to what she said.

"Well, well, now I am twaddling and twaddling about nonsense." Carol chuckled. "What about you, Emilia?" She smiled at me encouraging.

This woman was strange. She might smile and chat – but the smile never reached her eyes. I had observed her very closely and everything she did, the way she moved, she way she talked seemed somehow wrong. I looked at her suspiciously. She returned my stare, still smiling brightly.

Then I knew.

Every other person in this town sooner or later felt repelled by my hostility, my silence, my behavior. Carol just kept smiling. She didn't lower her gaze. She didn't even blink.

"You're fake." I simply said, putting another fork of gratin in my mouth, chewing slowly.

"Excuse me?" Her smile became a bit less supportive.

"You're pretending."

"I don't understand."

"You're not the innocent, nice lady bringing food and cake, but you want them to believe that."

"Them?"

"The other 'new neighbours'." I was mimicking quotation marks in the air.

The smile left Carol's face. She eyed me back with the same suspicion. I leaned back on my chair and folded my arms in front of my chest, raising my eyebrows.

"Daryl was right." She finally said. "You're different."

I didn't dare to ask what 'different' was supposed to mean.

While we we're eying each other in silence I tried to read in Carol's face what she might know. Her attitude had totally changed to the opposite. She was cold and almost hostile. The friendliness and loveliness, the harmlessness, they were all gone completely. _You shouldn't mess with this one._

"You're asking yourself what I know about you." Carol observed.

I didn't answer.

"Well," she tipped her fingers on the table, "I know you have no close contact to anybody in this town. I know you've been out there on your own when Aaron and Eric found you. And I know the governess' son has a special interest in you."

 _Well done, Daryl, well done._ I hope she didn't notice how I tensed. Somehow I felt betrayed by him.

"You're good in gathering information." I tried to defy her intense look. "But since you heard about me, you really thought you'll come here, smiling and I'd spill my guts?"

"To be honest," Carol sighted, "no."

"Why are you doing this anyway? Putting up that show?"

Carol eyed me intensively for another moment before she answered.

"Had to make sure this place is safe, that the people living here are good people."

"I see," I nodded slowly, "playing the harmless caretaker would make them show their real nature and intentions. Clever." I gave her so much.

"What is the reason for your behavior?"

I shrugged. "Don't know what you mean."

"Of course you do."

"I just like to be on my own." I sighted.

"Why living in a town like this in the first place then?"

"Got to live somewhere."

Carol nodded. Again we looked at each other in silence for another few minutes. Then Carol suddenly sighted.

"Funny thing is," she leaned forward again, "I really think, you and me would get along damn well."

And then she smiled. It was an honest, friendly inviting smile.

I was totally taken aback.

"Wanna start new?" she stretched out her hand. "I'm Carol Peletier."

Reluctantly I took her hand.

"Emilia Sommer."

"Nice to meet you, Emilia."

Maybe she was insane after all. This was all too weird.

Carol stood up.

"You can have the rest of the gratin. Please turn in the baking dish. Clean, of course." She winked.

Before I could stand up she was at the door.

"See you soon, Emilia." Then she was out of the door, leaving me there staring behind in disbelieve.

 _Well, the whole world's gone mad._

I turned and took another dish from the gratin. Actually, it was pretty good.

* * *

I couldn't be more annoyed when Aaron came over the next day grinning all over his face. My house was the center of everybody's attention these days. I was out in the garden again, watching the plants.

"Emilia, I have great news." He sounded really excited.

I eyed him doubtfully. Since I didn't react in any other way Aaron went on.

"I know you need seeds for your garden project and I just have the right stuff for you."

Now he got my attention.

"Really?"

"Yes, well, I am in hurry right now, you come over for dinner this evening and I show you what I found."

"Uh hm, …"

"Oh come on, you won't regret it!" He seemed really agitated and didn't stop to smile. It was disturbing.

"Well," I rolled my eyes, "ok, I come."

"Great." He turned on his heels and waved. "Around seven then. Really great. See you later."

I watched him as he went down the street. Even his walk seemed swinging.

"Yeah, great." I echoed his words.

* * *

Later that evening I was eying myself in the mirror. Back in the old days I would have dressed up for a dinner invitation. Put on perfume and make up, a dress, hair up - all that girly stuff. But looks didn't count anymore these days, did they? I sighted as I looked at the strange face in the mirror which must be mine but seemed so unfamiliar. Never had a short cut in all my life. I touched the tips of what was left of my long, blond hair. I felt insecure about this dinner thing. Was I supposed to bring something? Should I wear something different, something pretty? God, there was no place nor time in this brave new world for such stupid thoughts. Nevertheless I was afraid to insult Aaron and Eric. After all they offered the solution to my gardening problem. Or so much Aaron had pretended.

I sighted again, then went for the closet.

I searched through the clothes. Most of them were here before, in this luxurious house which belonged to someone else who was probably dead by now. I found a long blouse and black leggings. I eyed them for about five minutes as if they were poisonous. _God, this is all useless._

Another twenty minutes later - and also about ten minutes too late - I stood on Aaron's and Eric's porch – in leggings and blouse. For lack of a real present I had dug out some herbs from the garden. There was still dirt under my nails. For the hundreds time I sighted, took a deep breath and - while I tried to suppress the urge to just turn around and run – I knocked at the door.

After a few moments the door swung open and Aaron gleamed at me with that disturbing smile again.

"Emilia!" he exclaimed, "really nice you came!"

"Yeah, thank you for the invitation!" I heard myself say mechanically while my head was screaming in ten different voices to just go home.

Aaron waved me in and reluctantly I followed his outstretched arm.

"The others are in the kitchen."

 _Plural?_

I hesitated but Aaron pushed me forward. I turned around the corner and my fingers cramped around the cup in which I had planted the basil.

It was him again. _Daryl. Great._

He sat at the table, eying me without saying a word. His hair hung in this face, partly covering his blue eyes. Eric, smiling widely, carried a pot from the stove to the table.

"Emilia, take a seat. It's good to see you." His tone was cheerful.

 _You gotta be kidding me._

I didn't move while Aaron sat down at the side next to Daryl. Eric took the place on the other side of the new guy so the only spot left for me was opposite of the silent, blue eyed stranger. The three of them looked at me waiting. Somehow I had forgotten how to breathe.

"Is that for us?" Aaron pointed at the cup in my hands.

I looked down on the small shrub.

"It's basil." I said quietly.

"Basil! Just perfect!" Aaron yelled. "We made pasta!"

Slowly I moved forward towards the table. I sat the plant down and placed myself on the chair facing Daryl. My eyes avoided his face. Did they notice my hesitation and nervousness? Maybe he had told them about Aiden, too. _I shouldn't be here .Not with him._

Eric – still smiling!- reached out and hesitantly I handed him my plate. Eric piled pasta and tomato sauce on mine and then on the other's dishes. Aaron meanwhile washed some of the basil and handed some of the leaves to Daryl. He brought the herb up to his face and smelled frowning.

"Don't you know basil?" Eric asked.

With a short glance towards me Daryl shook his head.

"You'll like it." Eric encouraged him.

 _I really shouldn't be here._

We started eating in silence. The sauce was delicious and for a moment I thought about speaking the compliment out loud. But as I looked up from my plate and met Daryl's blue stare I almost choked.

"So, Emilia," Aaron tried to make conversation. "your garden's going well?"

"As far as I can tell." I mumbled running the fork through the pasta, shoving the noodles around.

"You're a gardener?" Daryl's voice was raspy.

I shook my head. _Why couldn't I look at him directly? What was so disturbing about him?_

"Emilia was a teacher." Eric jumped in.

"Teacher?" Daryl's stare became even more intense.

"Yeah," Eric went on, "wasn't it for music and English? And German, of course."

I slipped back and force nervously on my chair. This was really uncomfortable. Daryl still eyed me. I felt exposed.

"She is from Europe, you know." Eric smiled.

"That's all long gone." I snapped, teeth pressed together. Aaron and Eric exchanged looks. We continued eating in silence. I just wanted to get over with it. I hadn't felt this anxious since weeks. I couldn't stand the thought that everybody in the room knew about the evening two day ago.

"How's the book?" Aaron asked.

"Interesting." I knew I was blushing.

"You can lend as many as you want, you know that?"

I nodded and quickly finished my plate.

"You want some more?" Eric offered.

"No, thanks." I even forced a smile. My feet were nervously tapping. Again Aaron and Eric changed meaningful looks.

"Daryl is working on the bike in our garage." Aaron tried another time to involve me into small talk.

"You're a mechanic?" I asked, looking at the stranger quickly.

Daryl just shook his head.

"But he is very skilled." Aaron added.

I nodded. This was an awful situation. The others finished their plates while I tried to look nowhere.

"Well, then," Eric stood up. "I'll clear the table and Aaron, why don't you bring the maps?" Eric left his place, too. Leaving me all alone under the explorative gaze of Daryl. Since I had looked at every object in the room twice and grew annoyed, I gathered all my strength and looked directly into his blue eyes. After a few seconds, he was the one looking away and stupidly I had a feeling like I had just won a fight.

Aaron returned, carrying a heavy book and some folded maps. He put them on the table in front of me.

"This," he pointed at the massive volume, "is the phone book of the county. I found it on one of our trips and thought it might come in handy." He opened the book and skipped through the pages.

"This," he stopped at a page he had marked before, "is a community not far from Alexandria. And here you can find the addresses of supply store, supermarkets and more important hardware stores."

Eagerly I leaned forward, my finger ran down the list of shops.

"That is pretty cool." I said honestly impressed.

"And I have more!" Aaron smiled. He pointed at one of the addresses. "This hardware store is located just next to a garden market." He unfolded one of the maps. "I have looked for the address on the maps…" He spread the huge map on the table. "…it is… exactly here." His finger pointed on a small town.

"Where are we?" My eyes searching the map feeling excited.

"Here." Aaron's finger came down on a spot at the other side of the map.

I eyed the distance between the two locations but I had no idea how far it could be. Daryl stood up and rounded the table. He stood next to me and leaned over the map. I was so excited about this good news I didn't even care that he was so close he almost touched me.

"Must be two days drive at least." He said.

"Thought so." Aaron nodded. "Never been this far."

"Two days?" My hopes went down. "That's far."

"Minimum." Daryl's voice was always at the edge of inaudible.

"You have to talk to Deanna." Aaron said. "She has to decide. If you don't take the main roads, rest at night, shouldn't be that complicated."

"You think?" I looked up at Aaron. He nodded.

"Well, I could do that." I needed to say it out loud. "This is really great news."

I smiled at Aaron. I really smiled. Aaron smiled back.

"Can I take these home?" I asked.

"Of course." Aaron started to fold the map together. "I marked the page with the addresses."

"Good." I nodded, took the book and the map and stood up.

"You're leaving?" he seemed disappointed.

"Um, yes…. Have to look through these. Want to go to Deanna first thing tomorrow." Despite all my thankfulness I was still oversensitive about being in one room with Daryl.

"Yes, of course."

Daryl still stood right next to me and for another time, blocked my way. I turned and waited for him to move. Again I asked myself why this guy made me so damn nervous.

"I'll leave also." he said quietly and moved back a few steps.

I went for the door, pressing the book and map against my chest. Daryl, Eric and Aaron followed me.

"Thank you for the pasta." I said as Aaron opened the door for me. "And thank you for the map." I felt so excited, I managed another smile.

"We are glad we could help you." Aaron seemed pleased. "You know, we could come with you, talking to Deanna I mean."

"I'll think about it. Good night."

I waved and turned to the street. I didn't wait for Daryl, since he had to walk another way home than me. It was a liberating feeling to be out of that house.

I couldn't wait to get home and plan my trip, so I could present it to Deanna tomorrow perfectly. As I turned around the corner going through a checklist of what I would need for a trip I noticed I was being followed. I looked back and frowned.

It was Daryl again. He should have turned in the other direction at the last corner. He was a few yards behind me. I stopped, looking at him. He came to a halt when he was a few steps away.

"You lost your way?" I asked him suspiciously.

"Just taking a walk."

"Obviously." I raised an eyebrow.

We looked at each other for another few moments. I sighted. Did he really thought I needed his protection again?

"You think he'll try again." It was not a question.

"What?"

"You think I couldn't handle it?" Suddenly, I wasn't nervous anymore but angry.

"Don't know what you're talking about." He moved again and passed me. I stared at him in disbelieve. So he thought, I was stupid, too. I rushed forward and closed the distance between us.

"I don't need your help." I said, my voice annoyed.

"Listen, I am just walking here, lady." Daryl grumbled.

"Yeah, of course." I rolled my eyes. _Unbelievable!_

Then I turned on my heel walking away in the opposite direction.

"Where are you going?" I heard him yell.

"Taking a walk."

He swore. A few seconds later he was catching up with me again. _Got ya!_

"You shouldn't walk alone in the dark after…" his voice trailed off.

"So you do think he'll try again?" I stopped and looked at him directly.

Daryl shrugged.

"He won't. He was drunk. I don't need your protection." Again I turned and continued my way home.

It took five seconds then Daryl was walking next to me again. I stopped immediately, turned to protest again but Daryl interrupted me before I could make a sound.

"Woman, for the love of Jesus, just shut up and let me walk you home!"

I was about to say something but decided otherwise. So I just continued walking –not without rolling my eyes.

We walked side by side in silence. I eyed Daryl from the corner of my eyes. His hair was shaggy, his chin covered with stubbles. I wondered how old he might be. I really couldn't tell. His eyes were scanning the surrounding, always wary. _Nothing could surprise this guy._ Why he was helping me anyway, he barely knew me. The presence of other people made me feel fussy since I got to Alexandria but with Daryl it was somehow different. But I couldn't tell why.

Since Alexandria wasn't that big, it didn't take long till we reached my house. I stopped in front of the yard. Should I thank him? I didn't ask for his help in the first place. The book and map were still tightly clutched to my breast. Daryl stared at me but said nothing.

"Well, here we are." I mumbled. "My house. As you already know." God, I was talking too much when I was nervous. And the emotionless glance of Daryl's blue eyes made me damn nervous. _What was wrong with this guy?_ At the same time I was angry about him and myself that he could make me feel that way.

"Had a visit from Carol yesterday."

Daryl nodded and shoved his hands into the pockets of his pants.

"I'd prefer if you would not tell the rest of the living world about what happened that night." I tried to sound cold, but my voice trembled.

"Just told her."

I was eying him, feeling somewhere between angry, nervous and relieved. Should I believe him?

"You really plan to make that trip?" he pointed at the book.

I nodded.

"You've been out there lately?"

"Think I can't handle that, too?" Seriously, what was he thinking? _Do I look like an idiot?_

"Just asking."

"Why?" my voice was unnaturally high.

He just shrugged.

We stood there in uncomfortable silence for another moment, then I turned and went inside.

"Good night." I yelled from the door without looking back.

After a few minutes I peeked through the window to check if he was still there. He wasn't. Releasing a deep breath I put the book down on the table and tried to settle my chaotic thoughts, wondering why my heart was beating so fast. I didn't understand why this guy had such an impact on me. Lost in thoughts I rubbed my collar bone.

"Daryl Dixon." I whispered.

I shook my head and unfolded the map. I got important stuff to do. No time for distraction.


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you so much for the kind reviews!**

 **As you have probably figured out by now I am not a native English speaker and therefore feel the need to apologise for strange phrases, odd word choice and all the other mistakes in my texts. Feel free to help me out :)**

 **After this short statement - and if you're not discouraged to read on - I hope you enjoy the next chapter.**

* * *

I hadn't slept one minute that night. At least I felt like it.

The whole time I had thought about what I could tell Deanna to convince her to let me make that trip. I had pictured the conversation in my mind, phrasing arguments, formulating answers to possible questions. And then all of a sudden it was morning and the sun beamed into my windows.

Of course it was still way too early to go to Deanna immediately. So I sat at the kitchen table, a cup of coffee in front of me and stared at the hand of the clock turning agonizingly slowly towards nine. The moment it passed the twelve, I was out of the door and on my way to the former congress woman. I was damn excited and rushed my step along the quiet streets of the city. A few minutes later I reached Deanna's house and tentatively knocked at the door.

The door swung open and my breath caught as my eyes fell on Aiden.

"Hello. What a warm surprise on such a cold morning." Aiden's smile made me wanna punch him.

"I'm here for your mother. Is she there?" My voice was cold.

"She is with Maggie right now… why don't you come inside and we wait together in my room?"

"I have an urgent request to make. Maybe you could ask her?" Ignoring his awfully disgusting offer.

"Wait – this is not about…?" he suddenly seemed alarmed.

"No. This has nothing to do with your stupidity the other night!" I lowered my voice.

"Ok – then wait, I'll ask."

I took a step inside and waited in the little hall next to the living room. I realized that I haven't been here since my arrival in Alexandria and my first conversation with Deanna. Maybe that was the reason for my nervousness. She had tried to delegate tasks to me. First she asked me to teach the children – which I refused. Then she asked me to play the piano in the Sunday services – which I refused. At last she wanted me to take over some watches on the guard tower – which I refused because I couldn't handle a weapon. Finally she gave up. So I was in for laundry and gate watch from time to time. I was fine with that. The last conversation we had was a very unpleasant one on my porch about me participating more in the community live. I think I disappointed her. Well, her son disappointed me more than once. Guess we were even.

Aiden returned and waved me in. Nervously I entered the living room. Deanna sat on an armchair. She wasn't alone, on the couch sat a girl with brunet hair falling down to her shoulders. She smiled at me, must be one of Daryl's group since I hadn't seen her before.

"Emilia." Deanna wasn't smiling. "What an unusual appearance. You haven't met Maggie Green yet?"

I shook my head and nodded shortly to the unknown woman.

"Maggie, Emilia was brought into the community by Aaron and Eric just like you and your group." Deanna explained. "But I couldn't be more surprised by her visit since she hasn't agreed to participate in any task I offered her."

I blushed and looked down.

"So, Emilia, tell me? What can I do for you?" She didn't offer me a seat.

"I…" my voice was trembling. "I started a garden next to my house. I thought growing plants could help with the food supplies. But I need seeds and maybe also fertilizer and other stuff which isn't available here in town."

"You checked with Olivia?"

"Yes I did." I threw a short glance towards Maggie who listened intensively and smiled encouraging. I took a deep breath and went on. "Aaron and Eric did some research and found a hardware store and garden market in a town near Alexandria where I could restock all what's lacking."

Deanna said nothing. From the corner of my eye I could see Aidan smiling.

I took a step closer to the table and started to unfold the map.

"It's not exactly around the corner but also not very far. If I could take a car I'll make a trip and bring the stuff I need back. Could take three to four days. I wouldn't be gone too long." I placed the map on the couch table in front of Deanna.

"Why don't you let the supply runners take that trip?"

"They wouldn't know what I need and what else could be useful." My hands were playing nervously with the rim of my shirt. "I've done some research about gardening lately. Read a lot."

Deanna looked down on the map. She didn't seem convinced. My heart fell. Maggie cleared her throat.

"I think it's a good idea." She said. "We should consider running short on supplies in the future, especially when the community keeps growing. Being self-sufficient would help a lot."

I threw her a surprised glance, I didn't count on any support.

Before Deanna could react there was another knock on the door. Aiden sighted and left the room. I heard him open the door, then there were voices in the hall. I looked towards the door, frowning. A few seconds later Aiden returned followed by Aaron and Daryl.

"Good morning." Aaron smiled. "Deanna, Maggie."

Daryl just nodded.

"Hello Aaron. You came up with this map?" Deanna cut to the point without further ado.

"Yes, and I think it's a good idea. I am here to support Emilia's plan." He winked at me. I really had been too harsh to him and Eric the past months. They never stopped supporting me despite all my repellent behaviour.

"Really?" Deanna raised an eyebrow.

"You always said Emilia wasn't participating enough. Now she offers to take her share."

"I offered her loads of tasks, which she could have accepted without risking her neck on a road trip."

"Why rebuke her now, when she finally found something she likes to do?"

 _Um, hello? I am right here. I can hear you._

"She is not going alone. The supply runners can accompany her."

"Um," my voice wasn't as firm as I wanted it to be, "when we all get in one car, there is no space left for the seeds and other stuff."

Deanna fixed her gaze on me again.

"I just need a car. It won't take long. I can do that." I tried to convince her.

"You're not going alone." Deanna repeated. "Aiden, you go with her."

My mouth gaped open. _From all the people living in this town._ I was sure my face was white as a wall – but what could I do? What should I say? _Sorry but your son tried to rape me I'd rather not be trapped with him in a car?_ I was frozen into place while Aaron went over to Deanna to show her something on the map. I could feel Aiden looking at me. My hands clenched into fists again, my fingertips pressing against the small cuts inside my palm.

"I could go with her." a raspy voice suddenly said.

My eyes searched for Daryl's face. He was watching me, but when our eyes met, he quickly looked away and his gaze fixed on Deanna. Had he seen the fear in my face?

"Excuse me?" Deanna said. Aaron looked up as well. I saw Maggie eying me, frowning. Her eyes went from my face to my hands. Her mind was working, I could tell. Could anybody read my thoughts now? Or had Daryl or Carol told her what had happened at the evening of the welcome party?

"Yes," Maggie said slowly. "Daryl is very skilled and has a lot of experience. He was making runs for our group all the time."

"You want to go with her on that trip?" Deanna eyed Daryl suspiciously.

"Done that often." Daryl nodded.

Deanna thought about the options for a moment.

"Well," she finally said. "I like the idea. I think it's better when Aiden and Nicholas stay with Glenn, Tara and Noah for the moment. Making small runs around town. Learn to work together. You agree to go with Daryl instead of Aiden, Emilia?"

Maybe I was nodding way too eagerly, but the relief I felt was enormous. Nobody seemed to notice my easement, how the tension slowly left my body and my muscles relaxed. Nobody but Daryl, who was watching me from the corner of his eyes.

"Well, it's settled then." Deanna folded the map. "You can take the old pick up. It's big enough. Don't forget do take enough fuel. You should leave as soon as possible. The earlier you'll be back."

I nodded again. She handed me the map.

"Be careful." For the first time, Deanna smiled at me.

I didn't know what to say. With a short last glance at Maggie and ignoring Aiden completely I left the living room – followed by Aaron and Daryl.

"But Emilia," Deanna called me back when I was at the door. I turned round nervously.

"One last condition," the politician raised a finger, "when you're back from that trip, we'll have a talk about the tasks again. Agreed?"

Slowly I nodded, still too happy and too relieved to protest.

Outside the house Aaron offered me to pack some stuff together which I would need on the trip. Daryl mumbled something about taking a look at the pick up and left without any other word. I looked after him unsure if I should thank him. This was the second time he saved me. Was it possible to feel relieved and afraid at the same time? I better got my confusing feelings under control since I was very soon spending a lot of time alone with Daryl Dixon.

* * *

Aaron left around noon after hours of planning and packing. He explained the best route as far as he could tell from his trips. I was thankful to him for so many things and yet I couldn't tell him. Most of the time he was talking and I was just nodding.

I hadn't seen Daryl since the morning in front of Deanna's house. I had no idea if it was up to me to walk over to his home and make the last arrangements. If so, I couldn't bring myself to do it. As it turned dark my nervousness took over control and I walked back and force in my living room. I was of course still glad that it wasn't Aiden who accompanied me but when I started to make plans yesterday evening and the night I was always picturing me alone in the car. Now I tried to get used to the thought that I was about to spend the next days close to an almost stranger with disturbing blue eyes. I sighed.

To avoid unpleasant conversations I had dug out my old phone, which – except for missing reception and a broken display – was still working. I couldn't care less how Daryl would feel about me putting my earphones in the moment we got in the car together. My eyes fixed on the folder in which I kept pictures, almost tentatively my fingers slit over the display. There were so many memories in there, some welcomed, some not.

I was so lost in my thoughts that the knock at the door made me jump. Must be Daryl I thought and was again surprised when I opened the door and looked into Carol's face.

"Hey." She smiled.

"Hey." I answered warily.

"I'm here for the gratin dish."

"Of course. Just a second…" I mumbled distracted. _As if…_

I went into the kitchen, took the dish from the counter. As I turned I saw that Carol had invited herself in again. I handed her the bowl.

"Thank you." Carol smiled. "You have some tea?"

So she had no intention to leave again. I nodded slowly.

"Great. I'll take a cup."

I put a pot on the stove and she sat down in the living room. While the water was heating I tried to figure out what her visit was about. Couldn't be only for the dish. Maybe she wanted to make some reproaches for bringing Daryl into danger. Still bewildered by her behaviour I handed her a cup and sat down in the armchair facing her.

"So, you are going on a trip with Daryl." She said after taking a small sip from the cup.

"Seems so."

"Guess you're glad you don't have to go with Aiden."

"I'd rather go on my own."

Carol took another sip from her tea, then placed the cup on the table. She looked at me for a moment in silence. Nervously I was wringing my hands in my lap. I felt like she was looking right into me, like she could read my thoughts, like she knew about my hidden secrets. I felt exposed.

"I didn't ask him to come along." I whispered.

"I know." Carol smiled.

"You two are close."

"We all are."

I felt the need to explain myself to her. The urge to tell her that I wouldn't let him get hurt. But I knew it would be a lie. I couldn't promise that.

"You wanna see the route?" I offered instead.

"Sure."

I picked up the map and unfolded it in front of her.

"We're going to take this road." My finger came down on one if the lines. "Aaron and me worked it out. We should reach this little settlement by the evening and could rest there if it's save."

Carol followed my finger and nodded.

"If we continue travel by first light the next day we should reach the market by late afternoon." I went on. "Depending on what we'll find there we are on our way back the same evening or the next morning. Won't take too long."

"Sounds like a good plan."

I felt relived because she seemingly approved.

"He'll be back in no time." I tried to smile. I switched seat to the armchair again. "I was out there on my own for quite a while and even before the world went down I was camping and fishing with my Dad often, so I can handle that. You don't need to worry." As if camping had been the same back then, but I needed to tell her something.

"You try to convince me or yourself?" Carol took another sip from her tea and gave me a long look over the rim of the cup.

 _Ouch!_

"Maybe both." I whispered.

Why I had the weird feeling I had to defend myself for going on that trip with Daryl?

"Look, I didn't ask him to do this, I could still go to Deanna and ask for Aiden to come with me." Even the thought of spending the whole trip with Aiden in one car made me sick but the way Carol locked at me wasn't supporting either. I felt trapped. And I hadn't done nothing. I hadn't provoked Aiden in jumping on me nor had I asked for Daryl's help. This situation was exactly why I was avoiding people in the first place.

"Why would you do that?" Carol seemed confused.

I shrugged.

"I think you got wrong why I came here."

Now it was me blinking confused.

"You think I disapprove that you go out with Daryl. Why would you think that?"

"I thought you might fear for him to get hurt."

"I do, but strangely, I have the feeling, you blame yourself…"

"No, no…" I interrupted her quickly.

Carol frowned. I could tell she waited for another explanation. But I couldn't give her one.

"I will leave you to your preparations now." She stood up. "But when you return, we'll have a talk about what you are afraid of."

I said nothing and followed her to the door. Suddenly everybody made plans for my return, pushing me into tasks or conversations I didn't want to be part of.

"Um, could you tell Daryl to meet me at Deanna's at nine? She said we should check on her before we leave."

"I will." She gave me one last intense look. "Maybe you should remember, that we all had to do… things… to come this far." Then she was out the door.

I looked after her as she went down the street, waving and smiling at other people passing by.

How could I even begin to explain, that it was never about what I had done but what I hadn't been able to do?

* * *

The sun was shining brightly the next morning, the weather was warm and friendly – the exact opposite to the chaos ruling inside of me as I entered the passenger's side of the old, rusty pick up. Carol, Aaron and Eric were quietly talking to Daryl while Deanna and Aiden watched them from the porch. I pulled a book from my knapsack but when I opened up its cover I realized my fingers were trembling.

Seven month.

For seven month I hadn't been outside of these walls. I avoided thinking about the time before Alexandria. Shaking my head I tried to banish the unwelcome pictures from my inner eye.

The sound of the driver's door slammed close interrupted my dreadful reflections. Daryl jumped inside and gave me one of these incomprehensible looks again. On the seat between us he placed a crossbow. I frowned, eying the weapon suspiciously. I only had a knife. Deanna made me take a revolver as well, but I wasn't good at aiming and shooting. I left it in one of the bags on the rack body.

"Ready?" Daryl asked

I nodded and he started the car. I was glad he had to concentrate on the road now and couldn't watch me any closer.

We left Alexandria heading north. In the rear mirror I observed the front gates becoming smaller and smaller till the road made a turn and they disappeared. I unfolded the map looking at the route again. On a map distances seemed so little. I sighted.

"Staying on this road?" Daryl asked.

I nodded and looked out of the window. The landscape outside rushed by. There was nothing out there. Not even an undead. The world had turned quiet. Quiet and empty. I leaned my head back against the headrest. Maybe I could try to get some sleep. But Daryl hadn't seen the route so far, I had to keep an eye on the map or we would end up in Canada. I sighted again.

"You've been inside the walls since they took you in?" Daryl's eyes were fixed on the road.

"Jep." I turned my head and eyed him. It felt safe as long as he wasn't returning the gaze.

"How long?"

"Seven month."

"Long time."

"Jep." My head turned towards the window again. Maybe this was the perfect moment to pull out my phone. But Daryl didn't speak anymore. So we continued our journey in silence.


	4. Chapter 4

As the sun was setting, next to the road appeared a small sign indicating the village where Aaron thought we should spend the night was right ahead. I told Daryl to turn left at the next crossing. He followed my orders and five minutes later we rolled into a small settlement consisting of five small houses. Daryl put the car to a halt in the center of the road. He looked at the houses and their surroundings. The residences seemed deserted. There was no walker anywhere to be seen. I looked in the empty, dark windows which reminded me of dead eyes staring back at me.

"We could also switch seats and go on?" I suggested.

"Too dangerous in the dark. Could end up in the middle of a herd." Daryl was still watching the houses suspiciously. Then he opened the door. "We take that one." He pointed to the one directly next to us.

"Why?" For me it seemed as good as any.

"There is a driveway leading behind the house where we could hide the car." He opened the door. "Also, it's in the middle. Scavengers would start at the first house, so we notice them before they find us."

"That's smart." I opened my door, too.

"We'll check the house, then pull the car behind." Daryl was already on his way to the front door, pointing his crossbow in every direction.

I hesitated. It seemed like he was used in taking the lead. I wasn't good in team work. Obviously Daryl thought I knew my part in this search and destroy mission. Truth be told, I had no idea what he expected of me. Reluctantly I followed him. When he reached the door he turned and signaled me with a wave of his hand to hurry up. Or so I thought.

I reached the porch and drew my knife. Daryl slowly opened the front door and knocked at the frame. Then we waited. While he watched inside, his crossbow ready to shoot, I took a look around and watched if anybody or anything came from the other houses. Nobody liked surprises these days.

"I think it's clear." Daryl took a step forward. "Stay put, I'll check it out."

I couldn't even respond, he was already inside the house.

I tensed.

The sun was already hidden behind the roofs and the shadows came creeping from everywhere. It was unnaturally silent. I couldn't even hear Daryl moving in the house. I took another look around. Minutes passed by. My hand cramped around the handle of my knife. I turned shortly to throw a glance inside the house. No Daryl.

I was alone again. What if Daryl was surprised by a walker inside? What if he got bidden? I would be alone out here. I tried to get rid of the thought. I fixed my eyes on a shrub near the house on the opposite side of the street. I thought I had seen a movement there.

Suddenly I heard a dull sound from the upper floor. Nervously I looked up the stairs hoping to see Daryl appear at the top. But there was nobody. I made a step towards the door, my eyes fixed upon the steps. In my head I counted till thirty. Still Daryl was nowhere to be seen.

"Damn it." I bit my lips.

A familiar groaning came to me ear. Somewhere from behind me.

I spun around. There really had been a movement in the bushes. A walker tardily corssed the street, dragging one of his legs behind. Slowly I walked down the steps, switching the knife to my left hand and back. In the middle of the garden I stopped. The walker was already at the sidewalk. I could see him now clearly.

His face looked familiar.

I froze. Unable to breath. The hand with the knife trembling.

He was only a few steps away now. A little breeze got up, and the smell of rotten flesh hit me. The walker's groaning became louder, his movements faster. I couldn't move. I couldn't look away from his face. The creature stretched his arms out, his hands opened up to grab me...

 _His face…_

An arrow passed my ear so close I could feel the draught.

The projectile hit the walker in the left eye, sending him to the ground a few feet in front of me. I starred at the back of his head, still holding my breath. Daryl appeared in my vision, he turned the corpse, put one foot to the biters head and pulled the arrow out.

"House's clear." He whipped the arrow clean at his pants. "Was one upstairs."

I tried hard to make my body move but I just couldn't. My eyes were focused on the walker. No matter how hard I tried, my muscles refused to follow my will. Daryl noticed my strange behaviour, he paused. His gaze wandered down to my still trembling hand. Before he could say something I gathered all my strength and moved forward.

"I'll park the car." I mumbled and walked towards the street. I could feel his eyes in my back.

As I closed the driver's door behind me, I released a long breath. Before Daryl could become anymore suspicious I started the car and drove it, following the driveway, behind the house. Taking a look around, searching for other walkers, I turned off the engine.

But instead of getting out, I leaned back. I needed a moment, just a few seconds, in which I wasn't observed by him. I could have killed the walker. I could have done it.

 _But his face…_

I shivered. Daryl must have noticed my trembling hand. I couldn't even imagine the look on my face. I cursed. For the hundreds time, I wished I were alone on this trip. But no, Daryl was here with me, eying me, reading my face. My hands turned into fists and I brought them down on the steering wheel. Pain shot through my wrist.

It took another minute for me to calm down completely. When I felt confident enough to face Daryl again I left the car. Carrying my knapsack and his stuff, I entered the house. I heard muffled noises from the upper floor and turned my steps towards the stairs.

Daryl was in one of the rooms upstairs shoving furniture around. I slipped through the door, tossing the bags to the ground. As soon as I was in, Daryl blocked the door with a sideboard. Panting he eyed me with his blue eyes. I took a look around in the room to avoid him. Seemed like this had been a home office once. There was a huge desk, which Daryl had already pushed against the wall, a lot of shelves filled with books and papers, and an old sofa.

"Why don't we stay downstairs?" I asked without looking at him. "There would be a better escape through the backdoor."

"When anybody or anything gets in this house tonight, we'll leave through the window." he pointed at the other end of the room. "There is a porch roof and right below is the truck."

I walked over to the window and looked outside.

"Good idea." I nodded. _Why the hell couldn't I come up with such good thoughts?_

"You can have the couch, I'll take the floor." He was already spreading a blanket on a carpet.

"You should rest first. You've been driving all day." I offered. "You can also have the couch, I can sleep on the floor as well."

He didn't react, he just put up one of the bags and went through it. I hated it when he didn't react to me. On the one hand, talking to him made me damn nervous. On the other hand his silence drove me crazy. I had the feeling he was constantly watching and judging me. But why did I even care what he was thinking in the first place?

Daryl looked up from the bag, two cans in his hands.

"Tomato or Chicken?"

Great, he caught me staring.

"Tomato."

He threw the can towards me and gladly, I caught it kind of elegantly.

We ate in silence. Me on the couch and Daryl leaned against the wall on the opposite side of the room. It was turning dark outside and the chilly spring air crept into the room. I shivered. After finishing my can, I felt even hungrier than before. I looked through the room. This house didn't look like somebody had been here for a long time. There was a thick layer of dust on all the furniture. Maybe there was still food downstairs. Or other useful stuff.

I walked over to the door and gave the sideboard Daryl had placed there a little push.

"What are you doing?"

"I'll take a look around downstairs." I squeezed through the small clearance between door frame and door leaf before he could say more. "I'll be right back." I whispered from the other side.

Quietly I walked down the stairs and turned towards the kitchen. The rooms all looked clean and tidy, didn't seem like somebody had been in here scavenging. I opened up the first cupboard. It was empty. The next one, too. I went through all the cabinets - there was nothing. Whoever had lived her took all the supplies with him when he left.

Well, would have been too good to be true. I sighed.

I went back to the stairs but then hesitated. I glanced at the living room and my eyes fell on a huge cupboard. Slowly I turned towards it and started to open up the drawers. Most of them were filled with junk. I found a flashlight which was still working, some batteries, some sewing stuff and then, at the very end of one drawer, hidden under a stack of tea towels, there was a box of chocolate cookies and a small bag of candy.

A sigh of joy escaped my throat. Eagerly I grabbed for the sweets. Satisfied I went upstairs again. But instead of returning to Daryl I decided to look through the other rooms. After I gathered some medical supplies in the bathroom, I opened the next door and found myself in a large bedroom. In the center was a huge bed. The bedcover looked untouched. I put the bag filled with my treasures aside and lifted the cover from the bed. I was going for the blankets as my eyes fell on two feet which emerged behind the bed. Reluctantly I made my way around the bed and stopped.

On the floor behind the bed was a corpse with slashed wrists.

It was the walker Daryl had killed. I looked down at it, my eyes fixed on its face. It was a woman, as far as I could tell. There wasn't much left of her face. The sick yellow skin stretched over the cheekbones and nose, cracked open at some spots, showing the dark, rotten flesh underneath. Her forehead was severed by a large wound where Daryl had put his knife into her head. I couldn't tear my eyes away from that face. My hands turned into fists again.

After an eternity I turned round – and saw Daryl standing in the door eying me.

"Thought we could use those blankets." I said quickly, pointing at the bed. He said nothing, just watched me as I turned towards the bed and pulled at the blankets. My heart was beating fast. Why the hell did I feel caught? Why was he always starring at me like that? I tried to calm down.

"The nights are still very cold." I threw one blanket towards him, the other I tucked under my arm and reached for the bag. Daryl was still in the door and refused to move. I slipped passed him through the tiny space between him and the door frame. He followed me inside our room then.

"I found some stuff." I said after I had thrown the blanket onto the couch. Even for me my voice sounded unnaturally high. It always turned that way when I tried to sound casual. I opened the bag and pulled out the cookies.

"You want some?" I waved the package and forced a smile, my heart was still beating heavily.

Daryl's gaze wandered from my face to the cookies and back to my face.

He didn't move. He just kept looking. Again.

"Ooook." I sighted. "More for me." I ripped open the package. Slowly my confidence came back.

"You should take the couch, I can keep watch on the floor as well."

Daryl nodded slowly. He picked some of his stuff up and walked over to the sofa.

"You'll wake me up later and I'll take over watch." he said.

"I can sleep in the car tomorrow." I waved with my hand, munching a cookie. My eyes fell on the shelf full of books next to the couch. Curiously I moved closer to read the titles, still eating. I even felt confident enough to step behind Daryl. He arranged himself on the couch, pushing one of the blankets behind his head. While my finger slit over the back of the books the package of cookies was suddenly gone from my other hand. I turned around.

"Can't sleep when you're chewing so loud." Daryl mumbled and helped himself to a cookie.

I raised an eyebrow, then applied my attention back on the shelf. Most of the volumes were business books about financial theories and taxes, but as I knelt down and went through the ones on the bottom shelf I found some literature as well. I pulled three of them out and went back on the other side of the room.

Daryl was already asleep as it seemed, his eyes closed, breathing slowly and regularly. I slipped down against the wall and pulled the blanket around my shoulder. But instead of reading I couldn't help but look at him. My eyes wandered from his stubble-covered chin to the small mole above the right corner of his lips and from there to his straight yet somehow bulb nose and finally to these intensive blue eyes.

Which were wide open, staring back at me.

I got so frightened that a gasp escaped my throat. _There goes coolness and confidence…_

I felt the color creeping into my face and quickly opened up a book to hide behind its cover.

Could this trip get any worse?

* * *

When dawn broke I rubbed my eyes and thanked heaven that the night was over. Daryl was still sleeping, his back turned towards me, the blanket pulled tightly up to his neck. I stood up, shook my cramping legs and quietly walked over to the couch. Hesitantly I touched his back.

"Daryl?" I whispered. "Its morning."

His hand shot up fast, closed around my wrist and lifted my hand from his shoulder. I was so surprised, I stumbled backwards, since he didn't let go of my wrist I lost balance and fell to the ground.

"Ouch." I complained.

Daryl's finger didn't release my forearm while he sat up, eying me from above. It didn't seem like he just woke up, he was wide awake, all watchful again. I freed my hand with a jolt, got to my feet and wiped some dirt of my jeans, pressing my lips together. What was that about? Was he just caught off guard? Or did he have a problem with me touching him?

He hadn't moved or spoken so far. Well, maybe he was just terribly grumpy in the mornings. Actually, he was grumpy all the time. I turned round, picked up a bottle of water and pulled back the sideboard from the door.

"There's some food in my backpack." I hoped my voice sounded as sour as my bottom felt after that fall. In the bathroom I tried to refresh myself as good as possible. Living in Alexandria you got used to running water and electricity. One thing I actually missed right now. I felt filthy.

Slipping back into the room I saw Daryl sitting above my knapsack turning my old phone in his hands.

"That's not food." With two quick steps I was next to him and snatched the phone from his hands.

"Woah, easy, I was just looking." He raised his hands in defense.

"We should get going." Kneeling down, I reached inside the backpack and pulled some dry crackers and two apples out.

Daryl searched through his stuff and unbagged a jar of marmalade. He opened it, dipped a cracker and offered me the jar. We ate in silence, sitting on the floor and taking turns from the marmalade.

"Does it work?" Daryl nodded towards my backpack. "The phone?"

"Yeah, I just received a text from the post-apocalyptic refuges center – we are all invited to the after-show party." I rolled my eyes. I was still angry because my lower back was still burning.

"You know what I mean." Daryl looked intensely at the marmalade.

"All but reception or Wifi or mobile data works well."

"Why you keep it?"

I shoved the last cracker into my mouth and jumped up.

"There's stuff on it." I shrugged.

"Stuff?" Daryl stood up, too.

"Music… pictures. Stuff." I started to roam around in the room, grabbed the goods I found the evening before and tucked it into the bags. The three books I stuffed in on top. Next to the couch I found the box of chocolate cookies. I opened it and looked inside.

"Ha." I turned the package around and shook it. "You ate all the cookies! Shame on you!"

Daryl looked at me and I thought I saw something like guilt in his face.

"Just kidding. Still have some candy." I winked. He just stared at me emotionless.

 _Wow._

I tried to make up for the weird start this morning. I winked. I was pretty sure I was almost smiling. I was really trying hard to make this work and couldn't even tell why. All I got back was the blank, enigmatic stare.

"Let's get going." I sighed.

Tucking one of the blankets under my arm I took a last look around to check if I didn't forget anything. Daryl was already at the door.

We left the house through the front gate, Daryl went first to check if there were any walkers in the streets. As soon as I was inside the pick up, I threw the map onto his lap. I was sure he could read it without my explanation and was able to find the way. I wrapped up in my blanket, leaned my head against the window and was asleep before Daryl started the engine.


	5. Chapter 5

I woke up when Daryl roughly shook my shoulder. The car wasn't moving.

"What is it?" I mumbled, rubbing my eyes.

"Road's blocked." He nodded towards the street in front of us.

I was still half asleep and my mind wasn't working fast enough to process the information. Slowly I sat up and looked at the road in front of us. There was some sort of a traffic jam or accident stretched out over half a mile as far as I could see. Car wrecks shoved into one another, scattered all across the street and on the side-strip. It was a mess.

"Can we drive around it?" I looked at Daryl.

"I'll take a look." He opened the door and jumped out. A few seconds later he disappeared between the cars. I grabbed a bottle of water and gulped down half of the bottle. Then I left the car as well. Pulling my knife from its cover I walked around the car, checking the road behind us and the edge of the forest. A look at my watch told me that it was early afternoon. We should be near our destination already.

A few minutes later Daryl was back, panting slightly.

"We have to clear the way." He came to a halt next to me. "Not far. Less than half a mile. At the end is a crossing, and road's free again."

I nodded. Daryl threw the crossbow on his back and signaled me to follow him. We approached the first car-wreck. It was halfway down on the side-strip. A little push from Daryl and me and it rolled off the road.

"One gone." Daryl said.

"Only fifty to go." I tried to catch my breath.

Daryl was already on his way to the next car. I let my eyes wander over the wreckage. Hopefully he was right and we were not wasting our time here. Maybe we would be faster if we simply turned the pick-up round and searched for another road. I shielded my eyes from the sun with my hand.

"Hey, over here, Cookie." Daryl waved, leaning his back against the trunk, ready to push.

"We're having nicknames now?" I rushed forward and positioned myself next to him.

"Just push."

"As you wish, Gorgeous."

Daryl lost his grip around the buffer-bar and almost his balance, too.

"Are you pushing yet?" I bit my lip and leaned my whole weight against the car while Daryl rushed back to his former position.

* * *

Hours later I eyed the sun in the sky and whipped some sweat from my forehead. This was taking too long. Daryl and I had lost almost three hours on pushing cars from the street. It was almost done, only two more cars and there was a small path through the wrecks the pick-up would fit through. My arms and my back felt sour. And this stupid car didn't move, no matter how hard Daryl and me pushed.

Daryl took a step back, panting heavily. His hair was wet and stuck to his face and neck.

"Maybe gear's jammed. Or breaks." He lifted a bottle of water from the ground, took a few gulps and offered the rest to me.

"I'll go check." I took the bottle and surrounded the car towards the driver's door. Despite the cooling air I had taken my cardigan off hours ago and still felt warm from the exertion. Some of the cars were pretty heavy and deadlocked. The little rest of water wasn't cooling either. I reached for the door handle and opened the front door.

And flinched back gasping.

There was a walker sitting on the driver's seat.

The moment the door was open it started moving towards me, stretching out its thin arms in my direction. I flinched back, stumbled over my own feet and fell back. A dry scream came from my mouth as the dead slipped from the car and grabbed for my leg. His yellow dead eyes stared at me. The first moment I was paralised, my eyes fixed on the face of the walker. But then his skinny fingers closed around my ankle. I kicked out and crawled backwards, but the walker stretched out his other arm, reaching for my upper leg.

Suddenly Daryl was there, hauled the walker off my leg and shoved it back. They struggled for a few seconds, then Daryl managed to drive his knife into the undead's skull. As the walker didn't move anymore my head sunk back on the asphalt. I watched some clouds passing by as I tried to calm down. Daryl bent over me and stretched out his hand.

"You're ok?"

I nodded, still out of breath, and took his hand. Daryl pulled me to my feet. I was shaking and didn't care that he noticed. He avoided to look at me, just turned, sat down on the driver's seat where seconds ago the walker had been. It had all happened so fast. I wiped my nose with my hand and took a look around, my mind racing.

 _Crap, crap, crap, crap…_

Daryl fumbled around the gear switch, jumped out of the car and put one hand on the door frame, the other one on the edge of the roof. Then he pushed hard. The car slowly rolled forward. Still trembling I rushed forward to give him a hand. Together we moved the car out of the way.

Daryl still refused to look at me. He went straight to the last car in front of the crossing. I followed him, feeling awkward, and leaned against the trunk. With one last thrust the way was clear. I released a breath and looked back at the small path we had cleared, but Daryl wasted no time, turned round and went straight back to the pick-up. He was walking so fast I had difficulties keeping up with him. His behaviour unsettled me. Was he angry?

Nervously I got into the car. Daryl reached for the key, then hesitated and leaned back.

"Something wrong?" I frowned while my fingers played nervously with the cardigan in my hands.

"You tell me." There was definitely anger in his voice. Was it because of the walker? Or because of the delay? I was unsure how to react.

"I don't know…" I wished my voice to be firm and casual, but I almost whispered.

"You know damn well." Suddenly he was yelling. Intimidated I flinched back to the very end of my seat. He turned towards me, his blue eyes shining with anger.

"I've seen the look on your face when the walker attacked you! And yesterday? At the house? What was that? You just stared at…" He cursed.

I was too taken aback to answer. My mind was racing, my hands clutched around my cardigan to keep them from shaking. Of course he had noticed…

"Look, we're in this together, and I want to know what I'm dealing with here." His voice might be lower, but his temper wasn't any better. "We're going nowhere until you tell me what your damn problem is!"

He eyed me, waiting.

"There is no problem." I said calmly. "I got surprised. That's all."

"Bullshit!"

I pressed my lips tightly together and tried to hold his gaze. It was hard to keep something from this disturbing gaze. I felt like he could read my mind, knowing all the secrets I tried to hide so hard. While we stared at each other in silence, I saw a movement from the corner of my eyes. A walker stumbled out of the woods, about ten yards from the car. Slowly I turned my head in his direction. Daryl followed my gaze.

Suddenly, without thinking, I ripped open the door and jumped out of the car. I desperately needed to get away from him, his eyes, his questions. My trembling hands had difficulties to free the knife, nevertheless I kept going towards the walker with determined steps, eager to clear away his doubts. _It's just a walker…_ _just a walker… You can do that, you've done that before…_ I concentrated my gaze on his torso, avoiding his face. Fully concentrated I waited for the right moment, ducked away from his outstretched arms and pushed him back hard. He fell down and I drove the knife into his head.

But one time wasn't enough. I couldn't stop.

Again and again I brought the knife down. Like a maniac.

I could feel the rotten flesh and stinking blood splashing between my fingers. I could feel it on my face. As the head of the undead had turned into an unrecognizable mess of blood, bones and flesh I stopped. Breathing heavily I straightened up and looked down on what I've done. Feeling strangely relieved I turned round to the car.

"See?" I yelled, lifting both arms. "No problem!"

Daryl stood next to the driver's door starring at me, his face a mystery as usual. He was about to say something when his gaze wandered passed me. I heard a familiar groaning and spun round. There was another walker emerging from the forest. He was quickly followed by two more. Just a second later there were already five making their way through the line of trees.

"Crap."

"Get in here!" Daryl got inside the truck and started the engine. I ran back and jumped inside. Daryl hit the gas pedal before I could close the door. He rushed through the narrow path we'd cleared through the wrecks, hitting a car now and then, while more and more walkers came from the woods. We reached the crossing and Daryl sped up, leaving the growling undead behind. I eyed the stumbling figures in the rear mirror. Only when I couldn't see them anymore I leaned back in the seat.

"You have blood on your face." Daryl observed dryly.

Now was the perfect moment to pull out my phone. With still trembling, bloody hands I plugged my earphones in, closed my eyes and escaped reality.

* * *

It was already dark when we reached the edge of the small town which was our destination. Daryl brought the car to a halt, took a look at the map and then went on. All without speaking. We hadn't exchanged one word since the incident back on the road. First I felt comfortable listening to music instead of him yelling. But later the silence between us felt… wrong. I couldn't tell why it bothered me that he was angry with me. I dealt with the frustration of Alexandria's citizens for months. With him it was different.

Daryl turned around the corner and we reached the edge of the town. Not far from us the shadows of several large buildings loomed in front of the night sky. I took my earphones out and sat up.

 _Finally…_

Feeling excited I stared at the huge houses and a minute later Daryl drove into the parking lot both markets shared. My gaze wandered from one building to another, trying to make out details in the dark.

My heart fell.

The front gates of both buildings were ripped open, the windows of the entrance shattered. Why the hell had I thought that nobody had been here before, with the same idea? Maybe because I had pinned all my hopes on this plan. I sighed and opened the door.

"Wait." Daryl said. "We can't go in there at night."

For the first time in hours I looked at him.

"It's too dark, we wouldn't see anything." He went on. "We'll go in tomorrow morning."

"We have flashlights."

"It's too dangerous." He shook his head. Would he have said the same if he was here with Carol instead, or some other member of his group, I wondered.

I closed the door and folded my arms, trying to hide my frustration.

Daryl took a look around, then turned the car and drove it along the lane which was taken by delivery trucks. At the back of the building he made another turn and slowly rolled back till the trunk slightly hit the wall which surrounded the estate. He switched off the engine and lights. Slowly my eyes adjusted to the darkness. The back of the store looked just as bad as the front. My mood turned worse.

I pulled out the blanket beneath me and tried to get comfortable. Daryl eyed the environment, searching for walkers or any other dangers.

"You'll sleep first." Slowly he opened the door and slipped outside. A short moment later he returned with one of the bags and closed the door quietly. I observed him as he went through the bag, pulling out two cans of soup again. He handed me the tomato soup. My stomach rumbled but I felt no appetite. My mind circled around the broken doors of the market.

"Gotta eat something." Daryl said and ripped open his can of soup. With his fingers he fished out some meat and stuffed it into his mouth. Since I didn't touch my can he looked at me again.

"You know, people probably went in there searching for food." He took a gulp and wiped his mouth clean with the back of his hands. "Not for seeds or fertilizer." Our eyes met.

"There will be plenty of stuff left." He reached for the tomato soup and opened up the can. "Eat."

Hesitantly I took the can and brought it to my mouth. Was he really trying to cheer me up? Did he even care? God, his mood swings were confusing…

After the poor dinner I tried to find a comfortable position to sleep. Daryl leaned in the corner between seat and door. He pulled the crossbow to his lap.

"Pull up your feet." He tapped on the middle seat. I did as he told me, leaning my back against the door. This was much better but now I was looking at Daryl directly. I pulled the blanket up to my face and closed my eyes. But sleep wouldn't come despite my exhaustion. Puzzling thoughts were running through my head.

"Aaron told me about you." Daryl suddenly said.

My eyes flew open. He wasn't looking at me. He fumbled around at the crossbow in his lap.

"He said, you lost two groups."

I tensed and cursed Aaron in my mind. But what had I expected? Of course he and Eric had told him something about me.

"We don't need to talk about this." I managed to say.

"You mean, you don't want to."

I remained silent. I wished I could rip open the door, jump out and run. Away from him, away from his questions, away from this conversation, from my past and the memories. I couldn't tell him. What would he think of me? I could imagine the look on his face. The disappointment. I had pictured it in my mind on Aaron's and Eric's faces as well. Daryl wouldn't be on that trip with me if he knew. The people of Alexandria wouldn't talk to me if they knew.

"We're all afraid sometimes." Daryl suddenly went on. "We have to rely on each other. Trust each other."

My throat felt constricted.

"Just wanted you to know," Daryl' voice was low, "I didn't mean to yell at you this afternoon. Seeing the walker grabbing you… It was damn close and I…" his voice trailed off.

What was he trying to say, I asked myself. Relieved and at the same time disappointed by his silence I leaned my head to the side to avoid looking at him, my lips pressed tightly together. I closed my eyes although I knew sleep would be hard to find. Daryl's words caused a warm feeling deep down inside me. But before this strange sensation could grow, in my head a voice screamed I didn't deserve any kindness. A voice that constantly kept reminding me of what had happened before Alexandria. I shivered and pulled the blanket closer around me.

* * *

Sunbeams danced on my face while I was looking at the broken doors of the hardware store. In bright daylight it looked even worse than yesterday night. The front doors were ripped from their angles with force, gaping open and revealed the chaos inside. Slowly I followed Daryl through what was left of the entrance. The crossbow ready, he stepped through the shattered glass.

Inside, it didn't look any better. Most of the shelves had fallen down, spreading the goods all over the floor. There were nails, screws, pins, hooks and nuts everywhere, mixed with all kind of tools. I stepped over a sledgehammer and considered to pick it up for a moment but abandoned the thought because of its weight. Daryl crossed the check out area and stopped in the main corridor, looking left, then right.

"Must be a gardening section somewhere…" he mused.

"Maybe we should just check out all the sections. Could be more useful stuff left."

"Like bath room tiles picturing dolphins?"

I rolled my eyes turned left.

"We split up then?" Daryl asked.

"Would be faster, wouldn't it?"

Suddenly he grabbed my arm and forced me to turn around again.

"You can handle that?" he eyed me intensively. I couldn't decide if I should be offended or flattered by his care. I pulled my knife out.

"The market isn't that big. You'd hear me scream."

He eyed me for another seconds, then let go of my hand and walked in the opposite direction. My wrist tickled where his fingers had touched me. I eyed the wings of his leather west.

Slowly I started walking again. I passed the fallen shelves, my eyes scanning the surrounding for walkers and the floor for some hidden treasures. Somewhere in here must be something useful. This trip just couldn't be worthless.

I reached the end of the corridor without finding anything but loads of broken wood, sacks of cement, packages of stopper, splattered paint and slivered tiles. The shelves were almost standing upright at the very end. They were piled against one another and the wall, but the walks between them were filled with all kind of rubbish leaving them impassable. I had to climb over them to get to the other side. I walked back till I found a spot which seemed solid enough to cross. My hand closed around the edge of a shelve and I pulled myself up on top of the pile. Carefully I balanced above the rims of two racks, my feet searching for stable halt.

I had reached the middle when something grabbed for my right ankle. I lost balance and hit the frame of the rack hard. The air was pressed from my lungs and I found myself eye to eye with a walker which was trapped in an opening under the shelves. I gasped.

He was stuck somewhere because he couldn't move any closer, but his hand still was tightly clutched around my ankle, pulling my leg down with incredible strenght. I forced myself to keep quiet. I had to do this on my own. I could do that. I would not yell for Daryl's help.

I had lost grip on my knife when I hit the racks. It was somewhere down there under the mess of boards, goods, dirt and undead. With immense effort I pulled my leg free from the walker's grasp and quickly jumped out of its reach. My feet couldn't find foothold so I stumbled forward to the ende of the rack and fell over the edge.

I landed on my back, panting heavily, chest still burning like hell, and stared at the ceiling, catching my breath.

 _See Daryl, I can do it. I don't need you._

The walker was growling somewhere under the pile, pushing and shoving. After a moment I stood up and took a look around. I was in the second corridor in which the racks were still standing upright. The chaos on the floor was the same as in the first corridor nevertheless. I sighed and searched through the goods on the floor. After a while, I found a small shovel, a spate, a watering can and a rake. But no seeds, no fertilizer, no plants.

 _Better than nothing…_ I sighed.

My arms heavy with the tools I tried to find another way back over the racks. A few yards behind the spot I passed before I found another place which looked promising. It wasn't easy to climb up that pile and then hold balance with your arms filled with unhandy and unwieldy implements. Cautiously I eyed the area beneath my feed. After an eternity as it seemed I made it over the racks. As my feet hit the ground on the other side there was sweat on my forehead. Throwing one last glance back on the mess behind me, I turned towards the exit.

At the end of the main corridor Daryl slowly walked in my direction. He was carrying nothing but his crossbow. Frustrated I pressed my lips together. He waved. I lifted the tools and nodded towards the exit, indicating I wanted to bring them to the pick-up which was parked in front of the door. He nodded.

Outside, I threw the tools on the platform and grabbed a bottle of water. While I was drinking I looked at the garden market. I prayed silently for something useful in there. I couldn't bear the thought of facing Deanna without findings. Feeling exhausted and bruised I pulled out my cardigan. A fresh wind was blowing, cooling me down immediately. Looking at the entrance of the hardware store again I wondered what took Daryl so long. I thought he waved me back to the exit because he hadn't found anything and we should go on. He should have been here by now. Moments passed by but Daryl didn't appear between the broken gates.

I shivered. Slowly I walked towards the doors. In front of the entrance I stopped, waited for another minute, then stepped inside. I turned left where I had seen Daryl last. The corridor was empty. I frowned. Where was he?

Hesitantly I went down the hallway. I thought I heard noises from the very end.

"Daryl?" I asked quietly in the emptiness of the corridor.

No answer.

My stomach cramped and I felt queasy. I couldn't help the feeling. My hands started to shake again and I cursed my nerves. He's just fine, I told my Spinning head. He saw something useful and went back, I tried to calm myself. Slowly I went on, passing the tumbled shelves, nearing the last shelves. At the end the hallway made a turn to the left, which I hadn't noticed before. I stopped.

There were definitely noises around the corner. I listened closer.

"Daryl?" I asked again, speaking even more softly.

Suddenly I was grabbed from behind and a hand pressed down on my mouth. I gasped muted while I was pulled back. Then I was drawn into a small wall cabinet. It all happened so fast I couldn't even catch a breath. All of a sudden I was inside that small closet filled with janitor stuff for cleaning and Daryl, still his hand over my mouth, pressed my head tightly against his chest. With his free hand he closed the door behind us till only a small crack was left open.

I tried to pull free and to complain about his fierce hold on me but could only make incomprehensible, muffled sounds. He didn't even look, he just pressed me closer and starred intensely out of the small gap. I stopped moving, followed his gaze and listened. Familiar sounds came to my ear. The hissing and growling of walkers, the noise their feet made when dragged over the ground. I tensed as a shadow passed the door of the cabinet. Where did they come from? There hadn't been one walker in the whole store except the one under the racks. I caught my breath. What was Daryl's plan? We were trapped inside here! The walkers now passing us blocked the way to the exit.

My eyes wide open I watched as one shadow after the other passed the closet. Despite the danger outside and the thought of being trapped, I felt strangely tranquil. I was surprised. Daryl clutched me hard against his chest. I could hear his heart beating steadily while mine was racing. His arm was wrapped tightly around my shoulder, his hand still pressed on my mouth. I hadn't been that close to another person for month. I could feel his heartbeat, pumping life through his system. I could smell him, the leather of his west. I sensed the muscles of his arms around my back. And somehow, I felt secure… protected… almost safe… I had forgotten how that felt. An unfamiliar calmness overcame me.

After a while no more walkers passed our hide-out and Daryl slowly let go of me. I felt a certain disappointment. He threw one last glance outside, then turned and lifted seven fingers.

 _Ok, seven walkers_. I nodded.

He pointed to his crossbow and nodded towards the crack in the door. I showed him my empty hands to indicate that I lost my knife. He pulled his blade from its cover and handed it to me. Then he lifted the crossbow to his shoulder and moved towards the door. He threw me one last glance.

 _Ready?_

My fingers closed around the handle of the knife and I nodded.

Then Daryl jumped out, sending the first walker down and immediately reloaded the crossbow. They had turned their backs on us and it took the brainless creatures to react. When even the last of them had turned towards us, Daryl had already brought down four. I didn't want to be in the line of fire so I waited for the undead to come closer. When the first one of them stretched his arms out to grab me I jumped forward and drove my knife into its head. I had no time to think, or to be surprised how easy I suddenly could jump right into the fight. The next undead was already at my side.

Hastily I pulled the blade free and lifted it to slash again, when an arrow hit the walker in its temple. For one seconds I was distracted by the face, but turned away quickly and concentrated again. The last walker was especially slowly and it took me now effort to take him out. Feeling confusingly proud and excited I looked down on the corpses piled over one another in the hallway.

„Where the hell did they come from?" I panted heavily.

"Why didn't you stay outside as I told you?" Daryl collected his arrows from the corpses, he seemed angry again.

"What?" I was confused, especially because the fight went so well. For the first time in like an eternity I hadn't been paralised by fear or guilt.

"I signaled you to stay outside!" Daryl complained.

"I thought you meant you were coming outside as well." I raised an eyebrow, I felt offended. "When you didn't, I wanted to check if everything's ok."

"This," Daryl waved his hand like before, "means 'stay away'."

"Sorry," I folded my arms and rolled my eyes, "I bunked off the survival-signals-course in school."

Daryl just gave me one of this looks again, then he walked towards the corner of the corridor.

"I found the gardening section. These guys were locked in there. Someone must have trapped them."

"You found it?" My eyes grew wide and I hurried after him, all anger forgotten.

We reached a door, which was hidden around the corner. A sign above it said "garden equipment". I was about to open the door when Daryl pulled me back.

"Jeez, Cookie, hold on, there could still be some walkers inside!" he hissed.

So despite my readiness to combat before, he still didn't trust my skills. Fair enough.

"Stay behind me!" The crossbow ready to shoot, Daryl slowly opened one of the double doors. I sighed but did as he told me.

We entered the door and I held my breath.

It was a mess just like the rest of the market. Most of the plants were flowers and small shrubs and almost all of them were withered. Shattered pottery was all over the floor, racks and tables turned over. But for all the chaos, the place didn't seem like somebody had been in here searching for stuff.

"Ok," I said, "let's see what we can find."

"This time we stay together." Daryl didn't lower his crossbow.

"Sure." I shrugged and went for the first line of shelves.

"Where is your knife?" Daryl followed me close behind, eying the racks in the distance.

"I lost it." I knelt down to search through the pile of shards and plants on the floor before some empty racks.

"How?"

"I fell."

"Why didn't you pick it up?"

"I crossed the pile of racks to see what's on the other side. A walker grabbed my foot. I fell. The knife went down under the racks. Ok?" I recounted quickly and made a few steps to the next shelve and checked it. I refused to look at Daryl. The loss of the knife made me feel bad enough. I didn't want him to notice my remorse.

Two shelves further down the row he cleared his throat.

"You fall down a lot."

Before I could throw him an angry glance my eyes fell on huge bags hidden under a thick layer of earth. I reached down and wiped away the soil.

"Fertilizer." I read out loud the label. It took me a moment to realize that I actually found something useful. Something I made this whole damn trip for. I stood up, looked at Daryl and pointed down on the bags, my eyes wide.

"Fertilizer." I repeated like a moron. I made two quick steps to the next rack and went through the pile in front of it.

"And here… seeds." I could hardly control my excitement. "Seeds." I held up two packages of tomato seeds.

Daryl didn't share my enthusiasm, but smiled slightly.

"I'll search for something we can use to bring all that fertilizer and seeds back to the car." And then he was gone. I didn't even notice, my hands dug through the junk on the floor eager to find more.


	6. Chapter 6

Hours later Daryl and I heaved the last gab of fertilizer on the truck. I felt so relieved that we could bring something back to town, I couldn't stop smiling quietly. I let my eyes wander over our findings. Pumpkins, tomatoes, lettuce, cucumbers, carrots, radish, even strawberries. Daryl eyed my content expression emotionless.

"Still want to go into the farmer's market?" he asked.

"I hope to find some more stuff there." I nodded. "Maybe wheat, soy or potatoes."

Daryl looked up to the sky. It was around noon but the sun was hidden behind grey clouds. The sky was turning darker every minute.

"It will rain soon." he mused. "Better hurry."

I was already on my way to the front gate. Daryl passed by quickly before I reached the entrance. He waved with his hand.

"Stay back?" I asked tauntingly.

"Stay behind me!" he growled.

Slowly we passed the doors and the check-out area. This building wasn't as big as the hardware store and seemingly scavengers had only been in here quickly. The line of racks was still intact, the mess on the ground not as big as in the other store. My motivation rose.

I wanted to turn left but Daryl held me back. He pushed a pot from a rack nearby. It fell to the ground and broke with a loud crashing sound. Then we waited. Nothing happened. Slowly Daryl pulled his arm back.

"We'll stay together." he said.

I just shrugged and went on. Slowly we passed the lines and checked the racks.

"Seems like this was a market specialized on flowers and shrubs, not crop plants." I said after half an hour and twenty shelves dedicated to orchids, lilies and roses. We had already reached the seconds corridor and I had lost hope to find any useful stuff when Daryl pointed to a small post which had fallen down. On the floor were the same seed packages we had found in the hard ware store. I sighed and went down on my knees.

"Well, that's something…" I grabbed for all the small packages and stuffed them into a small box which happened to stand next by. Daryl eyed the door which led out of the sales area, frowning.

"I'll check the back." He suggested but I waved aside.

"Let's get going." I stood up, looking down one last time to see if I hadn't missed anything. Daryl still eyed the door.

"What is it?" I asked, following his gaze.

He didn't react, just stared for another second, then turned round.

"Nothing." he muttered.

His behavior was disturbing, but, well, you got used to it…

Quickly we made our way through the racks towards the exit. As we entered the parking lot tiny, cold drops fell on my face.

"We should cover the platform." Daryl said eying the sky. "Looks like it's getting worse soon."

I placed the box with seeds on top of the rest and looked up to the sky, too.

"I saw a tarp in there." I turned round. "I'll go get it."

"You wanna go alone?" Daryl yelled after me.

I was almost at the door and thought that his question didn't deserve an answer. I threw a glance over my shoulder to see if he was following, but Daryl just grabbed the canister of fuel seemingly to refill the pick-up for our way back. Maybe he really thought I could handle something on my own. I rushed through the entrance and only stopped to memorize where I had seen the tarp. If I remembered correctly, it was in the second corridor on the left.

After a few moments I had found the right corridor. I grabbed for the tarp and unfolded it to check its size. It was obviously too small. Hastily I dug through the other panels till I found a seconds one. Quickly I picked it up and scrunched both covers up. As I turned towards the end of the walk I frightened back gasping.

Someone was standing between the two racks, blocking my way.

And it wasn't Daryl.

It was an unfamiliar man, dressed in filthy clothes, a bag in his hands, a knife at his belt. He didn't move, just stared. I eyed him, still in shock. Somehow I immediately knew that he was dangerous. My flight instinct kicked in. Nervously I pulled the tarps closer to my chest. Suddenly he grinned, showing a row of broken, yellow teeth.

"Well, well. Look what we have here."

I didn't react. Slowly my hand wandered down to the knife and found the cover empty. I had left Daryl's blade in the box with the seeds, I realized. The gaze of the stranger followed my movement and his grin became wider. Slowly he came closer and for every step he made, I flinched back. My mind racing I considered my options.

"You ask yourself if your friend outside will hear you. I tell you, he won't."

I hoped my face was unreadable and wouldn't show the anxiety which built up inside me. Slowly my feet groped back the walk behind me to avoid stumbling about some of the rubbish on the floor. The stranger followed me, still grinning.

"I observed you from the back of the store and I'm very, very glad you decided to come back inside alone."

Maybe Daryl hat noticed him, he had eyed the back door intensively, maybe he had seen someone, maybe he was here any second. But I couldn't count on that. From the corner of my eye I saw that I had reached the end of the corridor. I threw a quick glance to the left. The stranger took advantage and jumped at me. I tried to turn and run but he got hold of my arm and pulled me back. I managed to tear my arm free but lost balance, stumbled and almost fell. Before I could straighten up again and make a step, my attacker was next to me, still grinning and reached for my arms.

"No need to run, Missi," he laughed and his hands closed around my wrists.

I kicked out at him and was about to scream for help when his fist hit my face.

I've never been hit in all my life. I never knew how it felt when the pain shot through your cheek bone, your eye-socket and for a moment the world around you turned black while flashlights danced in front of your vision.

This time I fell, actually more shocked than in pain, and pulled the man down with me. I rolled to the side, still feeling dizzy from his punch. Desperately I tried to crawl away from him, but his hand closed around my foot and he pulled me back. My hands searched the floor, clawing through the rubbish and suddenly got hold of some cold metal. It was a small rake, one of those handy ones with only three long tooth. I turned round and slashed at the stranger. He flinched back quickly and let go of my ankle. Hastily I crawled backwards, my feet kicking the junk on the floor, and stood up. The rake outstretched in his direction, my left eye slowly swelling, I moved backwards till my back hit a shelve.

"Bad idea, Missi, bad idea." The stranger angrily ripped the long blade from his belt. Then he came closer again. His vicious smile was frightening. The pain in my face was blinding me, my vision snapped in and out. My hand felt my way back along the rack, searching for the edge. The stranger followed me, eying the rake, his eyes full of mad anger. If only Daryl had come with me.

 _I have to get out of here…_

"You could have had it the easy way." The guy hissed. "You could just have followed me to the exit on the back of the store. But you decided otherwise, Missi, now I can't guarantee for anything."

As my hand closed around the end of the shelve he jumped at me again, his arm with the hand holding the knife outstretched. I lifted my arm to slash out with the rake and tried to turn away at the same time.

It was a poor move. The stranger sidestepped my maneuver and, as I tried to reach the corridor and make a run for the exit, I felt the blade touching my side. Just for an instant, just quickly, but it burned like hell. I gasped but kept up and stepped between the two shelves. I tried to ignore the pain in my side and spurted through the hallway the stranger close behind.

I could see the exit, the escape to the parking lot, to Daryl, to safety. But I knew I wouldn't make it. I was a fast runner, but my side was burning, my eye was completely swollen and I couldn't breathe properly. I wanted to scream, but I couldn't. I totally forgot how to make a sound.

At the end of the second corridor, in front of the check out area, the stranger grabbed my shoulder and pulled me back. I stumbled and hit the floor hard, loosing grip of the rake. The guy jumped on my back, pressing me down. I couldn't breathe. My thoughts were screaming. He pulled my head up, tugging my hair. He was about to force a piece of cloth into my mouth when a shadow loomed up above us.

Daryl.

Relief washed through me. Despite all the pain I suddenly knew, I was safe now.

The stranger couldn't react fast enough when Daryl hit him in the face with a shovel. He fell back, blood splashing from his broken nose. Before he could regain his balance Daryl hit him again. He crumbled down on the floor and moved no more.

My face turned in his direction. I couldn't move. I just starred at the guy. He was still breathing quietly. Without the mean smile on his face, the mad eyes closed, he didn't seem dangerous anymore. Instead he looked like a normal guy. Someone you would have greeted in the supermarket. Someone you met at the tennis court.

But with the end of the world all the normal people had disappeared. And only the mad ones were left. This guy had been ready to kill me or even worse. My one healthy eye refused to move away from the stranger. My mind refused to work properly. All I could do was to look at this man. I even held my breath. I fought against the tears.

Daryl pulled me to my feet and took the piece of cloth from my mouth. He eyed my face shortly then went over to the guy.

"Is he dead?" I whispered.

"Not yet." Daryl's voice was emotionless when he drew his knife.

"You kill him?"

Daryl didn't answer, he just kneeled down next to the stranger.

"Stop." I said before he could bring the knife to the man's throat. Daryl hesitated and looked at me.

"Don't." The thought of taking his life was… _wrong._

"He tried to kill you!" His voice was rough. "Maybe even worse." The tip of the knife was inches from the throat of the man.

"When we kill him, we're not better than him. We don't kill people." I tried my voice to be firm. This was important. He had to understand. "We'll leave him here. We'll be miles away when he wakes up."

Daryl still eyed me with doubt in his eyes.

"You can just tie him up." I made a reluctant step towards the corridor again. "I'll get the tarp and then we're out of here."

I was glad I could turn my back on him. While I rushed through the corridor to pick up the tarps, my pulse calmed down. With my slowing heartbeat the hurt in my side and my face rose. The moment I bent down to pick up the cover, a stabbing pain exploded above my hip where the stranger hat hit me with the knife. I looked down gasping. My shirt was full of blood. A lot of blood. I stumbled, my vision turning black for a moment.

Slowly I made my way back between the shelves, finding Daryl on the floor next to the man, wrapping a rope around his hands.

"I don't think this is a good idea." He muttered.

"It's the right thing." I managed to say despite the growing pain.

Daryl stood up and turned towards me. His face changed when his eyes fell on me and on the blood on my shirt. I wanted to say something to reassure him that I'm fine, but as my mouth opened no sound came from my lips. Suddenly I stumbled, dizziness rushing through my head. My legs didn't support my weight anymore. My muscles lost all their strength, my free hand searching for something to hold on to. Before I could fall, Daryl was at my side, putting his arm around me, stabilizing me.

"What is it?" his voice sounded concerned.

"Nothing. He hit me with his knife."

"Doesn't look like nothing."

Before I could complain, he bent down and swung his arms around my knees, pulling me up. Weakly my head fell against his chest. With one last glance at the stranger, he rushed towards the exit and quickly passed the parking lot. The pain in my side constrained my thoughts. My mind was pasty like bubble gum. I noticed his arms around me, the steps on the ground, the wind and rain on my swollen face, but everything seemed so far away. Like I wasn't really there. Daryl opened the passenger's door and placed me on the seat. He took the tarps from my grip and placed my hand on the wound on my side.

"Press." He just said. Then he closed the door.

I wanted to do as he told me. But the moment the door fell close my vision turned black and a second later I passed out.

* * *

Lights were dancing in front my view, flashing through the darkness, blinding me. I opened my eyes and was surprised that only one of them followed my command. Suddenly there was a burning pain in my side and I remembered what had happened before. Within an instant I sat up, but the movement caused the pain in my side to explode again. My vision turned black and I fell back gasping.

"You shouldn't move." I heard Daryl's voice somewhere next to me.

I counted till ten and opened my eye again. Slowly I turned my head to the side. I was inside a familiar looking room, lying on a couch. My hands wandered up to my face, hesitantly feeling for the bruise.

"Where are we?" I asked weakly.

"In the house from the night before." Daryl sat on the floor a few steps away next to a small fire which burned in a pan. "You passed out in the parking lot." He stood up and crouched down in front of me. He eyed me skeptical. His fingers reached for my face and I flinched back.

"Just wanna check your eye." He muttered.

Gently his fingertips touched the swollen flesh around my eye-socket causing me to suck in my breath. Despite his sometimes rough behavior his touch was surprisingly cautious, still it hurt like hell. With my one open eye I tried to avoid looking at his face. He was so damn close I could feel his breath on my cheeks.

"That will take some days to heal." He mused and leaned back, sat down, his hand pointing at my side. "The ugly gash there was worse, though."

My fingers reached down to my waist.

"Was pretty deep. Required stitches."

"Stitches?" My hand groped the bandage around my waist.

"Patched you up." Daryl nodded.

"You're saying," I tried to rise my eyebrows but failed, "you're hands were under my t-shirt while I was knocked out cold?"

Daryl's eyes went wide and I thought his cheeks blushed slightly but my vision was quite bad.

"That's second base." I muttered. "Could have at least bought me a drink first." I curled my lips up to a half smile but failed again. Every movement made my face burn in pain. Daryl turned away and grabbed for the bags. He went through the supplies and suddenly I felt bad for my stupid comment.

"Sorry." I sighed. "Always when I'm in pain or trouble or nervous I compensate my fear through bad jokes."

Daryl didn't react.

"Actually I am making bad jokes all the time." I whispered. "Never been beaten up before. Still trying to find out how to deal with that experience." I tried to get more comfortable on the hard sofa.

Daryl had found some food in the bags and finally turned round again. He ignored me, making me feel even more stupid and nervous.

"The guy in the market," my fingers fumbled around at the rim of the couch, "are there many people out there, like him?"

"Haven't you met anyone like him? Out there?"

"No," cautiously I shook my head. "I evaded people after… after I lost the second group."

"You've been lucky."

"So far."

"Why didn't you want me to kill him?" He eyed me directly again.

"It's not right." I shrugged. "To kill."

"You think that matters? In this world?" Daryl snorted. "He didn't care if it was right to punch you, to stab you. He would have done worse."

"Maybe." Our eyes locked. I struggled to find the right words to make him understand. "But I decide which road to take. And making the wrong choices I'll be just like him. That's what matters to me."

He eyed me silently. Maybe he thought I was naïve. Maybe he and his group had faced worse. He was tougher than me, sure. After a moment he concentrated on the food again and I didn't know what to say anymore and just stared at the ceiling. A few minutes later Daryl handed me a plate – wherever he got that from – filled with slices of apple, canned peaches, pears and some crackers.

"You need sugar." He said. "You lost blood."

I took the plate and slowly sat up. It worked pretty well, the wound at my side hurting surprisingly little. In silence we ate. After the plate, Daryl handed me another can filled with Chinese vegetable soup. He wanted me to eat another one, but I already felt stuffed. He forced me to drink half a liter bitter tasting tea though, constantly reminding me how much blood I had lost. After the dinner he sat down next to the fire, tugging the blanket around his shoulders.

"You should rest." Slowly I swung my legs over the edge of the couch.

"Stay on that couch. You need rest."

"No, no." Swaying slightly I stood up and made a few steps. "I was out for hours. You need to sleep."

"You…"

"Stop it. I'm fine." I pointed at the couch. "Get down there and sleep!"

Daryl eyed me for another second, then walked passed me and sat down on the sofa, arranging the blanket behind his neck.

I made another few steps and already felt sweat on my forehead. Dizziness entered my thoughts but I didn't want to show any more weakness. Daryl probably already thought I was a wimp. And again I noticed bewildered how much his opinion meant to me. After another few slow rounds through the room I carefully bent down over my backpack and searched through it for the books I had taken from the shelves before.

After I pulled out one of them, I walked over to the couch and cautiously sat down, my back against the couch, my legs stretched out – maybe not the best position for the wound at my waist but I couldn't keep standing any longer. The slash started itching. I opened up the book and tried to focus on the letters which was hard with only one working eye and a throbbing pain in the side. Daryl's head was right behind me and I could hear him breath. I started to read.

"I saw the pictures on your phone." Daryl suddenly said.

"Excuse me?" I raised my voice, letting the book down and turned round to him as far as I could without pain.

"You looked like a Barbie doll." He avoided my eye.

I watched him bewildered. What the hell was wrong with this guy?

"That's personal stuff, you know?" I felt betrayed. And offended. Of course he thought I was a coward after he went through all my memories seeing me smiling in the camera happily without fear or sorrow.

"Guess the pictures of you and your family and friends are full of weapons and mortal combat situations." I muttered turning my eyes on the book again.

"We didn't take happy family pictures."

I tried to figure out the meaning of that sentence. No happy family pictures? Maybe he tried to tell me, that he had a difficult childhood? I didn't know what to say and so I just read on. But I couldn't concentrate. My mind circled around his comment, the pictures on my phone and the memories of a time long past. I couldn't help but feel sad that he might not have some pleasant memories of the days long gone. I turned down the book again. I needed to say something.

"Thank you for saving my life." I whispered.

Daryl remained silent. Minutes passed. I didn't know if he was still awake. I just wanted to say something nice, something to make him feel better. I didn't even know if he was sad at all. Maybe I was wrong all along. Why did I even care what he was feeling? Insecure I rubbed my hands on my knees. This whole trip - apart from being life-threatening- turned into a bewildering emotional torture. I sighed. I wish I could stop thinking about what Daryl might be thinking.

 _God, this guy drives me crazy!_

I couldn't settle on the book again and stared in the flames.

"What are you reading?"

I jumped at the sound of his voice. So he was still awake. And had heard.

"The Lord of the Flies." I managed to say, my voice trembling.

"Never heard of." I could feel him shifting his weight and leaning in closer, looking over my shoulder. My heartbeat rushed on. "What is it about?"

"About children stranded on an island. It's a good book."

"You'll read it to me?" His voice was hoarse. He reclined and rearranged the blanket under his head, lifting his arms over his head.

"Really?" I eyed him from the corner of my eye.

He nodded, the light of the flames shining on his face and in his eyes. I tried to figure out if he was joking. After a moment I nodded slowly.

"Ok…"

I flipped back to the first page. I threw one last glance at Daryl, tried to calm down my pulse, sighed and started to read.

"The boy with fair hair lowered himself down the last few feet of rock and began to pick his way towards the lagoon."

After a couple of pages my throat felt dry and I reached for the bottle of water nearby. I took a few sips and turned round to check if Daryl was still awake. His eyes were closed, his breath steady.

"Daryl?" I whispered very quietly.

I waited a few moments but he didn't react. He looked peaceful, his one arm still behind his head, the other at his side. His dark long hair covered his eyes. I couldn't take my eyes away from his face and suddenly I felt a strange warm feeling coming up deep down inside me, creeping through my chest. Without thinking my hand stretched out, reaching for his face and my fingers tenderly brushed the wisp of hair from his forehead.

Then I flinched back surprised, almost shocked _._

 _Holy crap!_

I stared at Daryl in disbelieve, the warm, fuzzy feeling still inside my breast, my heart beating fast.

 _Did I just…? Holy crap. Am I…?_

I sucked in a deep breath when realization hit me. I was about to fall in love.

 _Shit!_


	7. Chapter 7

**Merry Christmas!**

 **I hope you all have a wonderful time! :)**

* * *

The gates of Alexandria appeared in sight at the end of the road and I released a breath. I couldn't have spent one minute longer in the presence of Daryl. Of course he had noticed my changed behavior. I had tried to sleep on the way back but despite my exhaustion I found no rest. Too many thoughts about my silent companion rushed through my mind.

Daryl stopped the car in front of the gates. He waved shortly to one of the lookouts and a second later the heavy doorway rolled open. We entered the city and Daryl stopped shortly to talk with one of the guys on gate duty. It was Spencer, Deanna's other son. The nice one.

"You're back." He pointed to the back of the car. "Found what you've been looking for?"

"Some of it." Daryl wasn't wasting words. "Deanna's still up?"

Spencer shook his head. His eyes fell on me and went wide.

"What happened to you?"

"Ran into some trouble." I sighed.

"Looks nasty."

"Well, you should see the other guy." I pulled the corner of my mouth up in a half smile.

Daryl wasn't smiling and of course I felt stupid immediately.

"We check in on your mother tomorrow morning." He said and pushed the gas pedal without waiting for an answer. Spencer jumped back.

Daryl drove down the lane and turned at the next corner in direction of the city's center.

"Where are you going?" I asked.

"Ward."

"Why that?"

"You need a check-up."

"I am fine, I told you." I rolled my one eye which caused pain within my forehead. "Just drive me home so I can unload the stuff."

"No chance." Daryl brought the car to a halt and switched of the engine. "You get in there, I unload the car."

"Anderson wouldn't even be here at that time!" I complained.

"I step by on my way to your house."

Before I could say something else, he rushed out of the car, around it and opened the passenger's door.

"Get out, come on." His hand reached for my arm, probably just to help me, but I flinched back from his touch as if it was poisonous.

"I can handle myself. Thanks." I said quickly. Daryl just stared at me emotionless and took a step back. Without another glance at him and well aware that I was being bitchy I made my way to the door of the ward.

"I'll put that stuff on your porch!" he yelled from the driver's door. I just waved without turning around.

 _Please just leave…_

The engine reared and he was gone.

For the first time within an eternity the anxiety left my body and I took a deep breath. I opened the door to the ward which was never locked and switched on the lights. It smelled exactly the way an infirmary used to smell – of disinfection and sickness. Slowly I sat down on one of the chairs facing the door. How long would this check-up take? I hoped long enough that when I got home Daryl had already finished unloading and was gone. Maybe he would wait for me. Why would he do that? Trip was over, so was comradeship.

 _It's not like we're friends…_

This town was big enough, I would rarely see him in the future. Was it possible to be glad and disappointed at the same time? I had to get rid of those feelings. I cursed myself. Daryl might was out of my sight but not out of my head. And my heartbeat raced the moment his face came to my mind. His blue eyes, his...

 _Stop it!_

I buried my face in my hands. This was the last thing I needed.

While I was sitting there, lamenting, the door to the ward was pushed open and Anderson came in. He eyed me for a moment then sighed. He put some gloves on, came over and kneeled down in front of me.

"Let's see what we've got here."

His breath smelled of alcohol.

* * *

When I turned around the corner I was relieved that the pick-up was nowhere to be seen. I rushed up the front steps and went inside the house. Shutting the door closed and leaned against it. I took a deep breath.

 _This is bad._

I thought I would feel better when I come home but instead I felt deeply unsettled, I started to path back and forth in the living room, wringing my hands. The very last thing I needed was this disturbing feeling towards a tight-lipped, grumpy half-stranger. I recalled the events from the trip, the incidents with the walkers and the attack of the man in the garden market. I totally screwed up. I would be dead now, if it wasn't for him. I hated the feeling to be in someone's debt. And I definitely owed him.

While I was agonizing myself, suddenly there was a knock on the door. I stopped and frowned. Slowly I made my way to the entrance and opened up

Of course it was Daryl.

I couldn't help but roll my eye. The effect wasn't the same as with both eyes. He still noticed.

"Forgot your backpack in the car." He lifted the bag up.

I snatched it from his hands.

"Thanks." I mumbled.

He just nodded. Then he stood there, on my porch, looking at me. I couldn't lock eyes with him, instead I opened the knapsack and went through it. Daryl, for some inexplicable reason, refused to leave.

"The doc checked your wound?"

"Everything's fine." I nodded.

"Good." Daryl bit his lips.

It seemed he wanted to say something more. Before he could I quickly opened my mouth.

"Well, I need some rest." I pointed towards the stairs behind me. "Thanks again for the backpack and… everything." My voice trailed off.

He nodded but made no move.

"Then, good night." And before he could say something I closed the door in his face. I turned off the lights and rushed upstairs. But instead of my bedroom I stepped to the window in the upper hall which faced the front and cautiously watched out. I observed Daryl as he turned towards the street, walking slowly, his hands in his pockets. My heart beat so fast it almost hurt. Hopefully this was the last time I would see him.

* * *

But of course it wasn't.

Next morning when I was sifting through the seeds and fertilizer, listing them, Daryl came around the corner again. I could see him from the corner of my eyes and immediately my pulse quickened. He walked casually through the front yard and jumped up the steps.

"Morning." He said, his voice low as usual. "You're ready to check on Deanna?"

"Almost done here." I said without looking up, scribbling down numbers.

"What you're doing?"

"Making an inventory list."

"Good idea."

Even this tiny compliment made my heart jump and I cursed myself. I thought I had to deal with Deanna alone, there was no need for him to be there anyway. I sighed and turned round.

"Ok, let's go."

Quickly, avoiding his face, I rushed down the steps and the path through the front yard. Daryl caught up on the streets and walked next to me, eying my face.

"Your eye looks better." He observed.

"Yeah, blue was always my colour."

"The other wound's doing well, too?"

I nodded, my jaws pressed together tightly.

"You think Deanna will be pleased? With what we found, I mean?"

I shrugged.

 _Someone's in chatty mood this morning…_

We turned round the next corner and I quickened my steps.

"Are you satisfied? I mean, was it worth the trip?"

"And a shiner, you mean?"

We reached Deanna's house and I stopped in front of the porch.

"Look," I said, turning towards him and briefly looking into his blue eyes, "let's just get over with this, ok?"

Before he could say anything else, I was at the door. I took a deep breath and knocked. Deanna opened up, looked at my face without saying a word, stepped back and made an inviting gesture. I went in straight for the living room. Reg sat on one of the chairs, a cup of coffee in his hands, smiling at me when I came in. I nodded.

"That must have hurt." He said, pointing at my face.

I nodded again. Daryl was close behind me and I asked myself again what the hell he was here for. Deanna passed him and me, sat down on the couch and offered us to take a seat.

 _That's progress, I guess…_

"So, you're back." She said after I sat down across from her. "You found what you were looking for?"

"I made you a list." I nodded and handed her the piece of paper.

Deanna took it and scanned the inventory quickly.

"That's good, I guess?" she looked up at me again.

"For now." I nodded again, relieved she seemed pleased. "I will start as soon as I can with planting. Have to do some research on the seeds before. Should I bring the stuff over to Olivia or better keep it at my house?"

"As you prefer." Deanna shrugged. Her look at me intensified. "What happened to your eye?"

"We had some misunderstanding with another customer at the shop."

"I see." Deanna threw a short glance to Daryl. "You solved that?"

Daryl nodded.

"How?"

"He knocked him unconscious and we left him there." I intervened quickly.

Deanna's gaze wandered from Daryl's face to mine and back. Then she nodded slowly.

"It's good you're back in one piece." She sighed. "Keep me updated on the garden, Emilia."

I nodded and was about to stand up when Deanna spoke up again.

"You remember the condition we discussed before your departure though."

I fell back in the chair and couldn't help but roll my healthy eye.

"Since we got the education of the kids covered without your help, I want you to meet with Pater Gabriel tonight."

"What for?"

"With the arrival of Gabriel we're going to have regular services again. People need that. It's giving them hope, something to cling on to and more important, it restores are certain feeling of normality. You see, Emilia, how essential this is for our little community. And you're finally going to support that."

"I still don't see how."

"You're going to play the piano." Deanna smiled. "These services might not take place in a church, but we're going to make them as genuine as possible."

My mouth fell open. This was a nightmare. I hadn't played since this whole mess started and I felt no need to start again. Deanna noticed my resentments.

"That was the deal, Emilia." Her voice was firm.

I nodded slowly.

"This evening, at the church." Deanna repeated. "Gabriel will be awaiting you."

"Great." I smiled drily and stood up. "Am I excused now?"

Deanna nodded.

Daryl was about to stand up, too.

"Daryl, I need to talk to you. Would you please stay for another moment?"

I hesitated and threw him a short glance. Daryl rearranged himself in the seat again, ignoring me, his eyes focused on Deanna.

"Thank you, Emilia. I think we're done here." Deanna smiled at me.

Quickly I made my escape from the house.

On my way home I was torn between curiosity and anger. I mused about what Deanna was talking about with Daryl and at the same time I was furious because of the stupid extra task. At least, that kept me from thinking about Daryl and my disturbing feelings. I reached the front door and went inside. I had no time for such stupid emotions I told myself for the hundredth time.

I rummaged through my book shelves and took all the books I had about gardening to the dinner table. This was more important, I told myself. I sat down, took a deep breath and started to write down notes about the treating of the plants I had seeds for. Finally, I had a task I could concentrate on.

* * *

It was already dark outside when I left my house and made my way across town to the room they used as a church. Before the arrival of the priest, there had been a few 'services'. Mostly Deanna was reading from the bible and people said prayers together. So, at least, I had heard of. I had never been there.

I was still angry and thought about bailing out when I entered the room. There was a small table at the front, which was used as an altar, covered in white linen. From the altar till the front door the room was filled with loose chairs which were arranged in rows. On some of them lay bibles. On the right to the altar, there was an old piano. Quickly I turned my eyes away from the instrument. The room was only lit by some candles which were scattered all over the room. Maybe the priest was trying to cast out the gym-impression of the room. As I came closer to the front, I saw that some people must have brought presents for Gabriel. I stepped to one of the baskets and read the note.

"People have been very generous." A voice from the left said.

I looked up. The minister hat entered the room through a side door without my hearing.

"You must be Emilia." He said.

"Deanna sent me." I nodded.

His fingers were nervously fumbling at the rim of his shirt, I noticed. His eyes were scanning the room, never settling on one object for a long time and he never looked at me directly for more than one seconds. He seemed haunted. I frowned.

"Yeah," he quickly said after a pause, "she was here this afternoon and told me you would come."

We stood there in silence, eying each other. I had no idea how this should work.

"So," I finally said, "you have a program or so? For the service?"

"Not exactly." He smiled apologetically. "I… haven't done this for a while."

I nodded and my eyes wandered over the baskets full of gifts and notes of gratitude.

"You have any songs on your mind?"

"I haven't done that for a while either." I whispered. "Don't know if I can play anymore."

He nodded and again we stood there in uncomfortable silence.

"You don't think there is a way avoiding this?" he tried an insecure smile.

"Nope." I smiled slightly back. "No escape."

"Thought so." He sighed. "You wanna try the piano?"

Reluctantly I turned towards the instrument and shrugged.

"You could practice." He pointed back at the door. "I'll just go in there and try to find something to talk about on Sunday."

"Ok." I turned back to face him.

"We'll pull something together." He reassured me, then he disappeared through the backdoor leaving me all alone in the room surrounded by candles and bibles. Although it was no church it had the same creepy atmosphere. I took two candles from the altar and slowly stepped towards the piano. I placed them on top of it and sat down on the small chair.

I just eyed the instrument for like an eternity. Then I remembered that Gabriel was next door and presumably would notice the missing of music. Hesitantly I opened the cover above the keys.

I could only stare at them. I used to play since I was a child and the moment my eyes lay on the keys, melodies floated through my mind. There we're so many songs I could play without notes. I used to enjoy this. I used to play a lot and now I couldn't bring me to hit the keyboard.

Minutes passed.

Then I took a deep breath and slowly my fingers laid down on the clavier.

I pressed the key for f sharp.

The sound rang back in the silent room and almost made me jump. Quickly I removed my fingers from the piano, but after a moment I reluctantly hit f sharp again. And again.

This was the beginning of one of my favourite songs back then. My mind wandered back, remembering the melody, the notes, the keys… all while I was hitting the tune again and again.

"You're going to play that on Sunday?"

Appalled I turned around, almost jumping from the chair.

Daryl leaned against the wall next to the entrance, his arms folded, his face in the shadows.

He was everywhere. Was there no escape from him? I pressed my lips together and sat back on the chair.

"I mean, it's just the same sound over and over again. I think you're supposed to play whole songs." He came closer. Was he trying to be funny?

"Why do you care? What are you doing here anyway?" I wanted my voice to be colder, firm and annoyed but it was trembling.

"Haven't heard music for a while." He stopped in the middle of the room.

"Sing to yourself, then." I focused my eyes on the keys again.

"Don't be a jerk, Em." He sat down on one of the chairs. "Come on."

I refused to look at him but laid down my hands on the clavier.

After a few moments and a deep breath I started to play. It went surprisingly well. I had played this song for uncountable times. The lyrics came to my mind immediately. And after the second chord I was so lost in playing and the automatic movement of my fingers that I sang along loudly. It just happened unintentionally. And it was just one line.

The sound of my own voice threw me off guard and I lost the beat.

I stopped playing immediately. My hands jerked back from the keys. I stared down on them.

"Why do you stop?" Daryl asked. His voice sounded strange.

My hands started shaking and I pressed them together tightly.

"Fuck this!" I whispered and jumped up, smashing the piano closed. Then I turned round and rushed towards the exit without looking at Daryl. But when I passed him, he grabbed for my arm and held me back. His hands closed tightly around my wrist he forced me to turn around.

"What song was that?"

I couldn't look at him. The touch of his fingers seemed to burn my skin. My heart was racing so fast, I could hear the blood rushing through my ears. I was glad for the black eye because I felt color creeping into my cheeks and I hoped the swollen shiner would hide that. I turned my head away from him.

"All these things that I've done." I whispered.

Daryl kept silent. He didn't loosen the grip on my arm and I made no attempt to free my wrist. He sat there, looking up to me and, in the deep silence of the room, I was sure he could hear my heart beat.

"I had a friend." Daryl cleared his throat. "She used to sing a lot. I miss that." His voice was so low, it was almost inaudible. I turned my head a tiny bit so I could see him from the corner of my eye. He seemed sad and again this warm feeling rose inside my chest. The thought of him in pain made me wanna touch him. I wanted to pull him close, I wanted to comfort him. And the urge to do so was so desperately strong, it frightened me.

"I'm not singing." I pulled free from his grip and rushed away from him. I didn't look back, I pushed the door open and when I was out, I started running. I ran the whole way back to my house. I swore to myself I would never set foot in that church again – no matter how pissed Deanna was going to be.

I closed the door behind me and tried to catch my breath. My back against the door, I slid down to the floor. I could still feel where his fingers had touched me. Helplessly my head sank down on my knees and for the first time in months I couldn't help but start crying. I cried for my weakness, the very reason someone like Daryl would never return feelings for me. And for everything I had lost, for everything I had done. The more I cried, the more the memories came back to my mind which caused me to cry even more. Who could ever love a total mess like me?

* * *

The next morning while I still tried to figure out how to proceed with the garden, there was again an unwelcomed knock at my door. For a moment I closed my eyes, which was possible again for the bruise was almost gone, and thought about pretending that I wasn't there. But the knocking intensified and I stood up.

When I opened up, I wasn't surprised to look into Carol's eyes. Whenever something with Daryl happened, the next moment she came up to my threshold. She smiled and held on to two fishing rods.

"Look what I found." She waved the rods. "I thought, since you've been fishing with your father, we could make a little trip to the pond nearby Aaron told me about."

I leaned my head against the doorframe.

"Why don't you take someone from your group?" I muttered. "Guess Daryl knows how to fish as well."

"But I'm asking you."

"I'm kind of busy…"

"Oh come on, Emilia, we'll be back at noon."

I rolled my eyes but knew she wouldn't leave.

"I'll grab a jacket." I said and turned round.

We reached the pond after a short walk of twenty minutes and sat down on a small landing stage. All around the bank were shattered wrecks of small boats. The sun was shining brightly and crickets chirped all around us. It was almost beautiful. But I couldn't enjoy it because of the unsettling feeling that Carol wasn't here to fish but to have that talk she threatened me with before I had left with Daryl. I was also sure as hell that she already knew what had happened in the church yesterday.

I showed her how to put bait on the hook and tried to explain to her the very basics of fishing. As long as I was talking I was save. Carol gave it a try and casted the fishing rod. For some time we we're sitting silently next to each other, eying the bobber.

"So," Carol said finally, "how was the trip?"

"It was ok." I shrugged.

"You got hurt, Daryl told me…" She looked at my eye.

"Obviously."

She nodded and again we kept silent for a while. Nervously my fingers tapped against the side of my boot.

"You're very alike." Carol suddenly smiled at me. "You and Daryl."

Surprised I looked at her. Then I scoffed, fixing my gaze on my bobber again.

"I lost my daughter. Sophia. She was missing and Daryl gave everything to bring her back to me." Carol sighed. "When we finally found her, it was already too late. Sometimes I think, Daryl was more devastated than I was. He withdrew from the group, shut everyone out…"

I had a bad feeling where this was heading to.

"Whom have you lost?" she looked at me.

I stood up and began to reel in the line.

"I think the pond is empty." I took hook and bait out of the water. Carol stood up, too.

"I know you don't want to talk…"

"Then leave it be." I threw the bait into the water and turned back towards the way we came. Carol quickly reeled the line. I was already at the end of the landing stage when she caught up and got hold of my arm.

"Emilia…" she started again

"Listen!" I turned against her. "I won't have this conversation! We barely know each other. And I for my part want to keep it that way!" I could hardly control the anger in my voice.

"I understand why you do this."

I raised an eyebrow and tried to shake her hand off, but her grip was tight. I started to panic.

"I understand you lost too much to let anybody close again especially not the people of Alexandria because they don't understand. But I do."

"I didn't ask for your sympathy. Let go off me."

"Stop pulling away and listen!" Carol's voice was intense. "I know exactly how you feel because I have been at that point too. Believe me, I see how being close to someone scares you, but you can't survive on your own. You need somebody you can hold on to!"

I didn't want to hear that. I wanted to run from her piercing words just as I wanted to run from Daryl's touch.

"I know how it feels when the pain is eating you up from inside." Carol moved closer to my side, the tone of her voice almost hypnotizing, over-enunciating every word. "I know there is nothing you can do to make it stop hurting. You cannot run from it. But it won't help to shut people out, to push them away. You need something to hold on to. I understand that it seems easier to pull away from everybody. But it's also easier to just die than to keep on fighting. And what are you surviving for when there is nothing left?"

I stopped struggling, my arms fell down, my shoulders sank in.

"There is nothing left." I whispered. I saw them. I saw them dying again. Right in front of my inner vision the memories came up again. I shivered.

"You are still here. You made a decision when you moved in here in this town. Deep down inside of you, you want to go on."

"They wouldn't understand…" My voice was barely audible.

"But I do." Carol laid her hand on my cheek.

I pulled my face to the side, fleeing her touch.

"Look, Emilia, showing affection isn't wrong. It's ok to care. It's good to feel. Otherwise you be like dead…"

"I don't deserve it," I whispered.

"What do you mean?"

I shook my head and banished the memories from my mind. It took all my strength to look Carol into the eyes. Her hand was still around my arm, at the same place where Daryl's fingers had grabbed me yesterday. She was looking at me encouraging. I had no idea why she was so nice to me. Maybe she had some hidden agenda but I couldn't think of any. I was about to tell her, just because her words had somehow touched me.

But the moment passed and I pulled my arm free. Without another word I stumbled away.

"Emilia!" I heard her calling me.

But I didn't turn around. I even walked faster away from her and her piercing questions. But I couldn't run from the damage her words had already done. I knew she was right. And her words were echoing through my mind while I was trying to find my way back.


	8. Chapter 8

**It took a while... Sorry, I had some trouble with this chapter. I had to re-write it a couple of times. Anyway, here it is. I hope you like it. :-/**

 **Edit: Somehow i got confused by the names, of course Maya is Sasha. No idea where that name came from. ':-)**

* * *

I didn't wait for Carol to catch up and went straight home. Ever since she and Daryl and the rest of their goddamn group had arrived, the life I had settled for in Alexandria got turned upside down and I had enough of it. I slammed the door close, breathing heavily.

I couldn't calm down. The anger kept me pacing from the living room to the kitchen. Back and forth, back and forth.

"Stupid Carol." I said. "Stupid Daryl."

I came to a halt in front of the dining table were books and magazines about gardening were scattered. But I couldn't concentrate, there was no use in starting to work through the literature. Instead I grabbed a spate and went for the door again.

Outside, in my little garden, I jammed the spate into the earth and started digging a new bed. Working with my hands felt good and I put all the energy my rage gave me into the task. The wound at my side started to throb painfully, but I ignored it. Pain was good. Pain was such a simple, pure feeling.

This garden was what I had been working for. This field was my project, my way of contributing and it was all that mattered. Not Daryl, not Carol's questions. Only the sound of the spate when it hit the ground, the little thud the earth made when piled up next to the bed. The first glimpse of a small shoot sprouting from the earth, stretching his small leaves towards the sun, craving for light. Growth and endurance, that was something special these days. And slowly my anger vanished while the pain in my side rose.

When I started a second bed just a few feet away from the first one, I heard someone calling my name. I swore to myself and looked up. Deanna came around the corner of the house. And she looked furious.

"Emilia!" she said again when she reached the garden. Her face looked like stormy weather. I prepared for the worst.

"Father Gabriel told me you left the church yesterday in a hurry. He also told me that you made no plans with him – neither for the service, nor for future meetings!"

 _Thanks, father!_

"Can you explain to me, why you again fail to stand to an agreement?" She folded her arms while her foot was tapping nervously on the ground.

I struggled to find the right words and eyed her silently for a moment. How could I explain that the person who used to play piano, who taught children, who enjoyed spending time with other people, who used to laugh a lot - that person didn't exist anymore. Carol's words echoed in my mind.

 _You need something to hold on to._

It made all perfect sense. Restoring order, stability, normality. Providing a feeling of security. Giving hope. But just not for me. I got lost on the road of survival and there was no coming back. Too much had happened. If I couldn't find peace and hope for myself – how could I ever honestly try to restore it for others? Couldn't they see? Couldn't they understand? No, they couldn't. There was no need to explain. No way to make them understand.

"I can't do that." I simply said.

"Why?"

I shrugged.

"For God's sake, Emilia!" Deanna threw her hands over her head. She opened her mouth, but then closed it again. She eyed me for a moment silently. Her face displayed a mix of resignation and anger. Suspiciously I eyed her back, waiting. Behind her, a familiar figure appeared at the edge of the house.

Daryl.

Could this day get any worse? I rolled my eyes.

Deanna didn't seem to notice him, her gaze still fixed on me.

"I give up." She finally said. "You need time? Fine. You need space? Fine."

Surprised I raised an eyebrow.

"But," her glance intensified, "you can reconsider your attitude towards this community at the watch tower. You'll take over the night shifts. You supersede Sasha at ten tonight. Don't be late."

 _Well, still better than returning to the church again…_ I sighed relieved. From the corner of my eye I watched Daryl who followed the conversation silently. Deanna was about to turn, then she hesitated.

"I still have hope for you, Emilia. Even if you refuse to believe the same." She eyed me for another moment, then she walked away. While passing Daryl she nodded shortly towards him. I watched her leave and couldn't help to release my breath.

 _One gone, one to go…_

I ignored Daryl and concentrated on digging again. It seemed he and Carol took turns in tormenting me. Angrily I brought the spate down in the earth. Suddenly all the fury was back inside me.

"You shouldn't do that." Daryl came closer I could hear, but still I refused to look up. I piled the earth next to the bed and jammed the spate into the soil again. Anger was blinding my sight. The conversation with Carol came up again. Deanna's stupid tasks. It had been all too much lately. Why the hell couldn't they leave me alone?

As the tool hit the ground another time, Daryl was suddenly next to me and his hand closed around the handle.

"Here. Let me help you." His voice was almost soft which only made me the more furious.

"Stop it!" I yelled and snatched the spate out of his grip.

Confused by my sudden outburst Daryl flinched back a few inches. I turned away from him and started to dig again.

"Your wound. It rips open again." Daryl said quietly, reaching for the spate once more.

"What is it to you?" I yelled again, turning to face him. "I didn't ask for your help!"

"I just…"

"I don't care!" I interrupted him. "I don't want your help. I don't want you here! Leave me alone, for God's sake!"

He closed his mouth and I could see his face turning cold. My anger gave me the strength to look directly into his eyes. These blue eyes. I swallowed hard. But there was no drawing back now. This had to end right here. Right now. He seemed hurt.

"Just leave." I said, my voice trembling.

Without another word Daryl turned around and quickly moved out of the garden. I watched him till he disappeared around the corner.

A strange calmness overcame me. I starred at the point where Daryl had left my vision.

 _This is for the best._

The hand around the grip of the spate was still trembling. My heart beat so fast it hurt. But no matter how fast my pulse ran, I felt numb. The anger was gone and there was nothing left but this strange feeling of deadly quietness inside me.

 _This is for the best. This is how it used to be and how it should be. Me, alone._

After a while, I turned round to the two fresh beds. They looked like graves. I shivered.

* * *

It was ten sharp when I climbed the stairs to the top of the tower. I entered the small room and looked for Sasha. I've never seen her before and had no idea what she looked or be like. But I figured she must be the only person up here. My eyes fell on a woman next to a window. She was looking through the scope of a rifle she pointed out in the darkness. She didn't react to my entrance. Slowly I walked over to her.

"Hey." I said quietly.

Sasha still ignored me. Her gaze fixed on the street.

"I'm her to release you." The thought that she had been in Daryl's and Carol's group made me nervous. Her behaviour unsettled me even more. Hesitantly I bend down and touched her shoulder. Her head jerked back and she looked up.

"Who are you?" she sounded hostile and her face showed anger.

"I'm here to release you." I repeated.

She turned her eyes back on the street.

"I don't need to be released."

I rolled my eyes.

"Look, Deanna sent me here and I don't have time for this. Hand over the weapon and let me take over the nightshift. The tower's all yours again tomorrow."

Sasha turned her head and looked at me intensely.

"You're the one who went with Daryl on that trip."

I pressed my lips together. Instead of an answer I stretched out my hand, demanding the rifle.

Our eyes locked. Now I got a glimpse how my behaviour must seem to others. Sasha displayed the same hostility I showed to everybody. Seeing it now I wondered why some people still tried.

Finally Sasha stood up and handed me the weapon.

"I hope you can handle this." She grabbed a bottle of water and a blanket from the ground. "I'll be back at first light."

Without another word she headed out. I looked after her, the heavy rifle in my hand. When the sound of her steps disappeared in the distance, I released a breath. My eyes wandered down to the weapon in my hand. In my first group somebody told me how to shoot. But the heavy gun still felt unfamiliar in my grip. Cautiously I leaned the weapon against the wall.

In the sinister light of the small lamp I unpacked my bag. After I arranged a blanket, a pillow, some books and some food next to the window which served as a look-out, I concentrated on the street. The night was bright enough, a pale moon shining, to make out the details around the entrance and the edge of the woods surrounding the town. There was nothing to be seen. The street was empty and I felt relieved that I didn't have to use the rifle.

I had told Deanna a thousand times that I was a bad shot. But she always said that I just lack the practice. I slipped down on the blanket, leaned against the wall and reached for one of the books but hesitated when I read the title.

Unintentionally I had packed The Lord of the Flies. I sighed. Everything reminded me of Daryl. Angrily I threw the book away, leaned my head against the wall and starred at the ceiling. My mind wandered back to the trip. Great. I had the whole night in front of me, trapped in a tower with my own thoughts. I sighed and reached for the bag again. Deep down hidden under a second blanket I found my phone. I switched it on and tapped on the folder which held the pictures of the times long gone.

Quickly I skimmed through them. This was what Daryl had seen while I had been passed out. Me with friends, with my parents, my first own class I had in school, the day I received my diploma, a birthday party, a night out, a trip to Disney World.

 _God, this is ridiculous..._

What had he thought when he had seen these happy memories? I could imagine. The helpless girl. The one who couldn't deal with the new world order on her own. Since the beginning of this mess, I tried to proof I was able to survive on my own. And constantly failed. If Aaron and Eric hadn't found me, I would be dead by now. Sometimes I thought death would have been the better option.

I switched of the phone and turned for the street again. It took a while till my eyes were adjusted to the dark light outside. While I eyed the edge of the forest, searching for any movements, there was a noise right behind me. I flinched around.

 _You gotta be kidding me…_

Daryl just bent down to pick up the book I had thrown away.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" I jumped up on my feet, my heart beating heavily immediately. "I thought I made myself clear this afternoon!"

Daryl's eyes went from the book to my face. He said no word. He just stared. Our eyes locked and, it seemed impossible before, my heartbeat even got faster. After a moment I couldn't hold his gaze any longer. I turned around and eyed the street again.

"Just go." I made a dismissive gesture.

I waited for him to leave but I couldn't hear him move. The minutes passed and the situation became more and more awkward. I folded my arms to hide my hands which were shaking again.

 _Please just go…_

But still there was no sign of movement behind my back. After another minutes I turned round slowly, just a bit, to see what Daryl was up to. He just stood there, eyeing me, motionless. Creepy.

"God!" I rolled my eyes, raising my voice. "What's wrong with you?"

"You know this afternoon, you really pissed me off." His voice was hoarse as usual. "But then, Carol made me understand."

"What?" I turned fully around now. "What you're talking about? Are you mental?"

"You're being a massive pain in the ass. You're acting bitchy. But only for the first moment. When you're done being a jerk, we can talk."

I blinked in disbelieve.

"Ok, enough. Get out of here."

"Keep spitting venom. I got all night."

"What?" I must have misheard that. "Are you deaf? Should I write it down for you?"

Daryl wasn't impressed. He yawned.

He. Actually. Yawned.

I was about to explode. While I stood there, throwing lightning bolts with my eyes, he casually walked over to the window, looked out and then sat down on my blanket. My mouth gaped open. I was completely speechless.

"See." Daryl looked up to me. "Being all aggressive always worked for you. You keep people at distance. Pushing them away when they get too close. The more they try, the more you yell."

My mind was racing while I tried to find a way out of this situation. Maybe I should just go. If he refused to leave, I would. My eyes wandered to the stairs.

"Now you think about leaving." Daryl sighed. "So predictable."

Beside the anger inside me, there was suddenly fear creeping down my spine. Nobody ever cared to look closer. Nobody ever gave a second thought about my behaviour or my intensions. He was freaking me out. I couldn't leave. He'd be right if I would. I bit my lip.

"What do you want?" I pressed out between my teeth.

"I've been there, too, you know." Daryl leaned his head against the wall. "Angry, hateful, aggressive. I understand."

"Yeah," I snorted, "everybody seems to understand me lately."

"If you would swallow your pride and get off your high horse you would understand, too."

"Excuse me?" I looked at him in disbelieve. "You have absolutely no idea what I've been through!" My voice rose with every word till I was almost yelling. I started pacing, my hands clenched into fists.

"You show up here!" I struggled for air and words. "You insult me. You… God… You say you understand. You have no idea…"

"Then explain me!" Daryl interrupted me, his voice as loud as mine. He jumped up, grabbed my arm and stopped me from pacing.

"Tell me!" His eyes locked with mine. His fingers burned my skin, just like yesterday, in the church. I shivered.

"Because," Daryl's voice became softer. "When you go on like this, you'll end up alone."

"I want to be alone!" I said defiant, my anger washed away by his blue eyes.

"No, you don't." he simply said. "When you're alone, you're dead."

"Maybe that would be better." I whispered, my eyes moving down to the ground.

We kept silent for a while. His fingers still closed around my wrist where I could over-sensitively feel them. My anger was gone. The numbness was back. I wanted to be alone desperately. I wanted to run. Maybe if I'd tell him he would leave. He would never bother me again. Maybe then he would really understand. I considered my options, but I had none.

Slowly I removed his fingers from my hand and stepped to the window without looking at him. I watched the line of the forest and took a deep breath. Maybe this was the moment I couldn't run any longer. Maybe this was the time I finally had to confess. But still I felt like I was suffocating, drowning in my memories, pulled down by their weight.

 _He'll leave._ A tiny voice in my head kept repeating. But it didn't make me feel better. Just more frightened.

The cold fear made me shiver and I slung my arms around me. I had to force the words out.

"As you know, I was with two groups." I finally said. "The first one were people I met right after it happened. We stayed together after they bombed the cities. It was a good group, some people I knew, some were strangers. We made it through the first weeks together. But eventually all of them we're dead, me the only one left after two of my companions helped me get on a rooftop to safety but didn't make it up on their own. They were torn to peaces right in front of my eyes."

I looked down on my hands. My fingers were long, delicate. Large Hands, perfect to play a piano, but too weak to handle a weapon. Useless. Powerless.

"I tried to pull one of them up, but I wasn't fast nor strong enough. I held his hand while the walkers started tearing the flesh from his legs."

My eyes were still looking out there in the dark. Not focused on something in particular. Not seeing the forest, or the street, or the moon… The actual world had disappeared, making room for the dead end of a street, a roof and dozens of moving dead bodies. I closed my eyes.

"Sometimes I still wake from his screams." I said.

I shook my head to banish the images from my mind. Daryl said nothing. I could tell that his eyes were focused on me. They burned holes in my back. I couldn't face him.

"I was out there alone for a while. I met a couple then in the woods. We stayed together, found some other survivors. Over the time, we grew close. Like family. People you never met before suddenly meant the whole world to you. We were so close. A good team. We even laughed together…"

My mouth twitched by the thought. I hadn't thought of them often, avoided the pictures coming to my mind. Did I cast a slur on their memory? Did I fail them even more in doing so? My voice trailed off and I had to close my eyes. The memories overwhelmed me. It took a while till I could go on. My hands clenched to fists on the window sill. Daryl slowly moved next to me but I ignored him.

"But as the world turned crueler with every day, eventually we were down to four again. Still we made it for a while. Till…"

I released a breath, my heart aching.

 _This is it. The worst._

The moment I lost everything.

"We were in the woods. And there we're walkers all around us." I choked on every word. "We decided to run. It happened so fast."

The tears came to my eyes so easily. My fingers cramped around the outer edge of the window, leaning forward, hoping Daryl couldn't see my face.

"I'm a fast runner. I was way ahead of them. They called my name. But I just ran. And then suddenly I was all alone. There was no sound. I waited. They didn't come. I ran back. And found them. Half a mile behind me. They had called me. But I hadn't turned around."

I couldn't see. My vision blurred by tears, my mind focused on the picture which had burned itself into my memory, popping up the moment I closed my eyes. Blinding me whenever I wasn't prepared.

"One of my friends had fallen down and the others had rushed back to help her. They tried to help her. I just ran. They were surrounded then. When I got back, I killed the last walkers around. But it was too late. They were bitten. One of them still breathing. He died in my arms and I had to promise him I keep them from turning."

My fingernails dug into the stone, pressing hart till it hurt. Pain was good. Simple.

"I couldn't bring me to do it." I could barely hear my voice myself. "I just couldn't do it. I left them behind for dying and I couldn't even save them from becoming one of those monsters."

The tips of my fingers still pressed again the cold stone, the nails bloody from the rough material. But still it wasn't enough pain.

"I see their faces." My voice was only a whisper. "In every walker, I see them. I can't look at them."

I couldn't fight the memories anymore. I was in the woods again, surrounded by the dead bodies of my friends. Surrounded by the rotten corpses of the walkers. And there was no difference between them. I hated Daryl for making me tell. I hated him for knowing. And most of all I hated myself.

"Em," Daryl's voice was soft, "it's not your fault the world…"

"It's not my fault?" I turned around, my fingers finally losing their grip on the rough stone, "don't you see? They called me. They needed my help. I just ran. How could this possibly not be my fault?"

Daryl stood directly next to me, but it felt as if he was miles apart. He opened his mouth to say something but I shook my head.

"Don't you see? Don't you understand now?" I clutched my hand to my breast, my voice was desperate, high, I was almost yelling. "People around me die. People die because I am weak. I kill people. Don't you see? That's why I don't want anybody near me. That's why you shouldn't be near me as well. I kill people. I kill…"

My legs suddenly didn't support my weight anymore and I collapsed to the ground now fully crying. I waited for him to leave. I wanted him to leave. I wanted to be alone in my pain, in my grieve. I wanted to waste away in my own weakness, my incompetence, my uselessness.

Why didn't he leave?

His figure towered over me, silent and impassive, while I sobbed into my hands, clutching them to my face. Wasn't he disgusted by so much weakness? Repelled by me? My cowardice? Why didn't he leave?

Suddenly I felt arms covering my shoulders, queezing them carefully. Daryl silently came down to his knees, his tall body bending down, his head resting on mine. I tensed, trying to catch my breath between the heavy sobs. His shoulders were so broad, his chest so wide, his arms so muscular, his body covered mine completely, making me feel small and even weaker.

I was shaking, trembling heavily, torn apart by sobs, tears, hiccups and guilt. But Daryl didn't leave. He was there, holding me, keeping me from shattering apart.

"I'm still here." He said roughly, as if he could read my mind. "I am not dead."

It was such a simple sentence. So little words. But such a significant truth. I held on to these words. I focused on them. Slowly the cruel images in my head were fading. Slowly I managed to calm down. I desperately wanted to believe in his words. I clung to them like a drowning man clutch at a straw. Breathing them in with his scent, embracing them as his arms slung around me.

 _If only this was the truth. If only I could believe it for myself._

After a while I stopped trembling, my breathing returned to normal, my eyes went dry. But my heart still beat like a machinegun, loud and fast in my chest. I was afraid he could hear it. Daryl's strong arms felt so light in my shoulders, his fingers touching my back almost impalpably. Without looking up I lifted my hands from my face, carefully laying them on his chest, slightly pushing.

Quickly Daryl pulled back his arms and stood up, not looking at me either. His eyes focused on the wall next to the entrance, his hands clenched to fists. I was afraid he would leave now but at the same time I wanted to be alone. My knees still shaking, I stood up and turned towards the window, away from him.

"There is a walker down on the street." I said quietly, my eyes fixed on the movement in the shadows.

Daryl turned round quickly, his hands already reaching for the gun. He brought the heavy rifle up to his shoulder, one eye pressed on the scope, aiming. He stood perfectly still, focused, concentrated and for that brief moment it felt safe to look at his face. My hands clutched into the rim of my shirt, my heart beating even faster, pounding so hard against my rips with such a force I thought any minute it must burst.

A small sound came from the rifle as Daryl pulled the trigger, his shoulder slightly jerking back from the rebound. I turned my eyes on the street again. The biter fell down to the ground with a soft thud. Daryl searched for other intruders, his eye still pressed on the scope. After a moment he lowered the rifle, leaning it against the wall again – without looking at me.

I bit my lip, unsure what I should do, afraid of him leaving and afraid of him staying. I couldn't tell how much time had passed. I was unable to move, waiting for him to do something, anything. His words ran through my mind over and over again.

Daryl slid down on the blanket again, his back against the wall. He grabbed The Lord of the Flies which was still next to him on the floor and held it up.

"We're not done yet." He stretched out his hand, passing the book to me.

I hesitated for a moment, eyeing him suspiciously again. Daryl held my gaze, our eyes locked. Eventually I grabbed the book from his hands and carefully sat down next to him. I skimmed through the first pages unsure where I had stopped reading. The picture of him sleeping on the couch came to my mind, the moment I had touched his hair. I shivered slightly.

"You're freezing?" Daryl asked.

"No, no…" I mumbled, hoping my face wasn't as bright red as it felt.

"That's the spot." His finger came down on the page. His arm touched my shoulder when reached over me, his head coming closer to mine.

Quickly I started to read. Daryl moved back and leaned his head against the wall, his eyes closed. Focusing on the words, concentrating on reading finally slowed down my pulse. After a few sides I almost felt relaxed. As I turned a page, in the small pause between my reading, Daryl's head turned to me again, his eyes open.

"You know it's not your fault the world's gone to shit." His blue eyes were shining in the light of the lamp. I swallowed hard, unable to turn away from his piercing glance.

"You don't kill people." he went on.

"I should have helped them." I felt the tears coming to my eyes again.

"You'd be dead then, too."

"Or we could all be here now." I whispered, shaking my head, wishing his words to be true. "I am ashamed. I am weak. I am a mess…" My voice trailed off and I had to turn away from his face because I could feel the tears running down my cheeks again.

"You made it till here. You survived. If you were weak, you'd be dead."

"I survived because others died."

"Then make it count. Don't give up."

His words sank into me and we kept silent for a while. I tried to hide my sobs, constantly whipping away the tears. I still felt guilt eating me up from the inside, pulling me down. His words were almost kind, not judging, not blaming, not accusing. I always thought if I told someone, they would turn away from me. Daryl didn't. He was still here. And I desperately wanted to believe him.

"You're not going to tell Carol or Aaron or anybody?" The tears had stopped and I turned around to face him.

"They don't need to know." Daryl shook his head.

"Why did you wanna know?" I whispered.

He eyed me for another moment intensively before he answered.

"I couldn't stand watching you destroy yourself any longer." He finally said. "Been there, too. I was glad that somebody helped me."

I pressed my lips together tightly, my heart picked up its pace. I could feel his body right next to mine without even touching him. The space between us was filled with pulsating energy, drawing me towards him so I had to resist the urge to lean in and to put my head on his shoulder. Did he feel the same? This strange force pulling us closer as if we were two magnets?

"Sometimes," Daryl whispered, "between your acts of repulsion I could see glimpses of the real you. Seemed worth going for."

I caught my breath, my heart skipped a beat.

There it was again. The warm feeling, building up inside me.

My eyes wandered down his face to his lips and suddenly I asked myself what it would be like to kiss him. Heat creeped into my cheeks but I was unable to turn away from his face.

"Won't you go on?" His voice was low.

I felt caught. Could he read my mind? I felt incredible warm while at the same time cold shivers ran down my spine.

Daryl's hand stretched out towards me and I held my breath.

Is fingers tapped down on the page of the book in front of me.

"Here." He said.

My eyes followed his outstretched finger on the first line of the page. I blinked in surprise while my cheeks burned. Daryl leaned his head back against the wall.

I sighed, suppressed my confusing disappointment and read on.


	9. Chapter 9

**Sorry again for the delay. -.-**

* * *

I sat in my third night shift staring down at the street leading to Alexandria. This one would be my last for now. Deanna had told me earlier that day, that my time in the tower was over after tonight. She still seemed angry but I couldn't care less. I hadn't seen Daryl for the past two days since Sasha came to the tower in the morning, just as she had promised. Daryl and me had parted in the middle of town without exchanging another word over my confession. When I woke up that afternoon, shaken by nightmares, I expected him to come around.

But he didn't.

I expected him, almost awaited him, last night in the tower.

Be he didn't come.

This afternoon, when tending my garden, I paused once in a while, eying the corner of the street, anticipating him to appear at the end.

But he didn't.

By now I was afraid he changed his mind about me and what I had done. Still, a part of me felt strangely satisfied with ending up right. Satisfied with being abandoned, being right about the assumption that no one could warm himself for a weak person like me. Especially not someone as strong as Daryl.

I eyed my watch. It was about 4 o'clock and by now I was sure, Daryl wouldn't turn up this night either. Half satisfied and half disappointed my eyes fell on a walker stumbling down the streets. I brought the rifle up and pressed it against my shoulder, imitating Daryl, focusing on my target through the scope, breathing quietly.

It took two shots to bring the biter down.

Yesterday night, I had to pull the trigger three times. Maybe Deanna was right, too. It was all about practice.

* * *

I woke from a nightmare again, suppressing a scream, my hands clutched over my mouth. Eying the ceiling, I tried to banish the memories from my mind, focusing on the present. While my breath was calming, I couldn't find the energy to get up. Pressed down by my fears, I wondered if Daryl had told anyone, now that he had abandoned me.

After a while I fought my way out of bed. Down in the kitchen I eyed the clock. It was twenty past two. I went through the kitchen cabinets looking for food. There wasn't much left. A trip to the supplies center would be necessary. But only the thought of meeting someone made me grid my teeth.

Again I asked myself if some people by now knew more about me and my past than I would want them to. I never should have trusted Daryl. I shook my head and started to boil some water for coffee. There was nothing left to do but tending the garden again. Me alone. That was all I ever wanted, right?

It was already dark outside and I eyed the small sprouts coming from the first bed suspiciously. My eyes flew over my notes again. Everything seemed alright so far. I turned for the new beds in which I had planted the seeds from the hardware store and garden market. My hand reached for the watering can and found it empty. The rain barrel was behind the house. My feet found their way easily despite the darkness. My mind wandered back to the hardware store, the moment Daryl had pulled me close in the janitor's closet. I remembered his heartbeat. Strong and steady.

I shook my head and filled the can.

When I returned to the garden, it wasn't empty any more. My heart jumped.

Daryl stood next to the fresh bed.

He was here.

Suddenly I had a lump in my throat. I had to force myself forward, towards the first bed. Daryl watched me silently while I swung the can slowly over the rows of fresh plantings. Why didn't he say something? Anything. I felt my throat tightening even more. I wanted to ask him where he had been the last nights, the last days. But I couldn't bring the words over my lips.

The can was empty again. All work was done. I stared down at the small shrubs, afraid to look at him.

 _Say something…_

But Daryl just stood there, eying me. His eyes burning on my skin.

"Looks good." He cleared his throat. Hearing his voice was like a relief. I closed my hands quickly, pressing my nails into my palm, focusing.

"Want some tea?" I asked almost voiceless.

Daryl just nodded.

I put the watering can aside and slowly walked towards the front of the house. Daryl followed me close behind, always one step back.

Inside, I quickly went to the kitchen, starting to prepare the tea. Daryl sat down at the kitchen table, observing me. I was glad I could turn my back on him, glad I could occupy my trembling hands. But the time the water took to be heated was over too soon and with two cups in my hands I turned around and sat down on the chair across from him, shoving the cup in his direction without looking.

"It's still hot." I said unnecessarily.

He stared in his cup and we both kept this awkward silence. My fear grew with every minute till I was convinced he came here to say something bad, something about my weakness. I could almost hear the words in my mind.

 _You're weak, Emilia. A threat to others._

I clutched the cup tighter despite the heat which burned my fingers.

"The service is tomorrow morning." Daryl said quietly.

"You're going?" I asked.

"Are you?"

I shook my head quickly.

"Thought so." He took a careful sip from his tea.

I risked a glance from the corner of my eyes. His hair, unkempt as usual, hung in his face. His fingers around the cup were partly black, as if cleaned not properly. Maybe he had been working on the motorcycle again, I mused. Still he said no word and I didn't dare to ask the questions running through my mind. As long as he didn't say that he despised me for my uselessness, I was safe.

"You're from Europe?"

Confused about the question I nodded.

"Been a teacher?"

"Music and English…" I couldn't help, but raise my eyebrows.

But Daryl just nodded without explaining his questions. I always hated small talk. This unnecessary exchange of words and phrases without deeper meaning or even information. Beside my fear, I could feel anger. If he got to say something, he could just spit it out.

Daryl raised his cup again, gulping down the hot tea at once. Then he almost jumped from his chair.

"Better get going…" he mumbled.

"Yeah, I need to sleep anyway." I was on my feet in an instant. My heart beating in my throat, telling myself I couldn't blame him for despising me.

We left the kitchen and I accompanied him to the front door silently. Daryl went out without another word. Indecisively I stood in the door.

"So, that's it?" I heard myself say, surprised. Suddenly I needed to know. I wanted to get over with it. He made me face my worst fear and then abandoned me. I could deal with that. I had to. But I needed to know. Clear cut.

Daryl turned and eyed me, the hands in his pockets. I could tell, he didn't know what I was referring to.

"Why didn't you come to the tower the last nights?" My voice was trembling.

His face was unreadable, as usual, driving me crazy. He eyed me from the last stair of the porch, our faces on same height.

 _Please say something… get over with this…_

But Daryl just shrugged. And I could feel a crack running through my heart.

"I see." I whispered.

I wanted to turn round, but somehow, with the pain and anger rushing through me, I felt a strength which I thought I had lost long ago. A strenght from the old days. From the time, when you felt invincible, indestructible, before the world taught you better.

"You don't have to come here and check on me anymore." I said, my eyes burning. "I understand why you or anyone wouldn't like to be around me. I really do…"

"That's not the point…" Daryl raised an eyebrow.

"Then what it is?" I almost yelled, feeling the tears building up behind my eyes. "What's the point in making me tell my fears, my pain and my crimes? Why make me believe you care? What is the fucking point!"

"Never said I didn't…"

If my heart wasn't beating that loud, I might could have heard the nerves in my brain snap. I wrung my hands through my hair, rolling my eyes. His cold passiveness made me wanna punch him.

"This is insane!" I crossed my arms in front of my chest. "You made me confess and open up and tell my fears… and then you just leave…"

Daryl stepped on the next stair, coming closer again.

"I didn't leave." He said roughly. "I am right here."

"And the days before?" I pursed my lips like a stubborn child.

"Had to do some thinking…"

"Thinking about what?"

"'bout," he made an empty gesture, looking away, "this. You."

"Oh." Suddenly I was afraid again, my anger vanishing like the air from a balloon. I tensed, my hands, clutched into fists, hidden under my arms. I tried to prepare myself for whatever might follow. But Daryl kept silent.

"Daryl," I whispered, "it's ok if you can't bear the sight of me after I told you what I did. But you have to tell me. I cannot read your mind… It's ok if…"

"It's not like that." He interrupted me harshly, his eyes still avoiding my face. "I don't know…I just can't keep away… from you…"

My heart jumped in my throat and exploded. All the tenseness left my body and suddenly I was made of jelly. My mouth gaped open.

The little sentence could have had so many meanings but my head had already decided for one. It was all I needed to bring the butterflies back in my stomach, the dizziness back in my head. The little sentence had to mean… more. Something positive.

Without further thinking, I rushed forward, laid both of my hands on his stubble covered cheeks and forced his face around to me. Before he could pull back or intervene, I laid my lips on his softly.

 _Oh God…_

It only lasted a second.

Daryl flinched back, his whole body tense, his eyes wide.

 _Oh…_

"Sorry." I mumbled out of breath, my eyes wide in shock because of the look on his face. He looked panicked.

"I wasn't thinking." I whispered, pain spreading from my heart through my veins.

I took a step back since he didn't respond. Well, seems I got it all wrong again. Color rushed in my cheeks and in small steps I retreated towards the door. Daryl didn't move, his hands clenched to fists, slightly trembling. God, this was bad…

My foot hit the threshold and my hand searched for the door, somewhere in my back.

"Sorry." I whispered again, feeling incredible stupid. Why couldn't the earth open up beneath me and swallow me whole?

I was already inside and pushed the door close. I couldn't look at him any longer. I was certain, I never had felt so ashamed in my whole life. I couldn't imagine to ever look him in the eye again. I ran up the stairs, straight into my bedroom and started to cry again. I couldn't help it, the tears just kept coming.

 _The look on his face when he pushed back from me. His eyes. God, this is bad._

In the past few days I had cried more than in the rest of my life. All because of him. My hands clenched into fists and punched down on the blanket. Helplessly bringing them down over and over again, full of hate for myself.

 _I don't want to be weak…_

After hours as it seemed my tears went dry and I felt exhausted from all the crying. Turning on my back, I stared up to the ceiling.

 _That's it…_

I told myself.

 _You count till five and then you get up and pull yourself together._

 _1… I am not weak._

 _2… I am not weak._

 _3… I am…_

My lips started shivering again. I brought my fist down on the bed, inhaled a deep breath and closed my eyes. Calmness overcame me. Deadly numbness.

I swung my legs over the rim of the bed and got up. My feet automatically made their way across the room towards the bathroom door. Inside, I ran a comb through my hair, scrubbed my face until it was red, brushed my teeth; all movements made mechanically, without thinking, as if pulled by invisible strings. I stared at the face in the mirror. My eyes swollen and unnaturally big from all the crying.

 _Who are you?_

I put my pyjamas on, returned to the bedroom and lit a candle. Then I pulled my phone from the night table. With still slightly trembling fingers I pressed shuffle and turned the volume to maximum. The music screamed into my ears, killing the sounds of my own thoughts just as I intended. I closed my eyes and tried to lose myself in the noise. Still I couldn't ban picture of Daryl from my memory. I pressed my eyes together and gritted my teeth, desperately trying to think of something else.

Suddenly one of the earphones was ripped from my left ear.

Appalled my eyes flew open.

Daryl stood next to the bed, the cable of the earphones between his fingers, his face unreadable, half in the shadows, half lit by the candle.

Again heat was crawling into my cheeks. I sucked in a deep breath, pulled myself up and leaned against the back of the bed. Unsure what to make of this, I crossed my arms.

"What?" I pressed out between my teeth and quickly pulled the earphone back from his hands.

Daryl stared at a point next to my head. He seemed insecure, almost shy. It was hard for me to look at his face. After a moment he sat down on the edge of the bed, his back turned on me. The lump was back in my throat again.

"You surprised me." He said roughly. "On the porch."

If he was anticipating an answer to that, I wasn't doing him the favor. If that was all he was here for, he better had stayed away. My fingernails dug into my arms, the pressure and pain calming me down a little.

"I wasn't expecting…" Daryl went on but his voice trailed off.

 _Yeah, I got that…_

Daryl kept silent, his hands constantly smoothing down his pants over his knees. He must be really uncomfortable.

"Didn't want to be rude…" he whispered.

I wanted to yell at him, grab his shoulders and shake him, scream into his face, that he kept breaking my heart with his words, his presence and his stupid behaviour. Why he couldn't just leave? Why he had to come back? My fingernails dug deeper into the flesh of my arm. Daryl kept silence. My eyes fell on his hands which were constantly moving, fumbling around. This seemed to be hard for him.

I closed my eyes for a brief moment, released a long breath.

Sighting, my hands reached for the night stand next to him, grabbing The Lord of the Flies. Daryl's head slightly followed the movement. I leaned back and opened up the cover and searched through the pages. Starting with a deep sigh I read on. After a few lines I felt my pulse calming down. Maybe this was all we were sharing, this book or the whole reading thing. Maybe this was all there was ever going to be. Maybe this was as far as I could get with him. I should learn to deal with that.

Daryl seemed to relax, too. The movement of his hands stopped and after a few pages he bent down and reached for the laces of his shoes. I frowned. Daryl pulled off his shoes and then, after shortly hesitating he swung his legs on the bed and pushed back his back against the bed, sitting next to me, but still avoided looking at me. My voice stumbled over a few words as he was suddenly sitting so close again.

 _Deal with it…_

I read on and on. Pretending I couldn't feel his shoulder softly touching mine, while my heart kept beating with incredible force. I took the book in my right hand and run my fingers over my eyes. Just for a second. Just to concentrate again.

 _Breathe in. Deal with it…_

Holding the book up with my right, my left hand fell down on the blanket. I read on when all of a sudden, I could feel one of his fingers tenderly touching mine. I stalled, thinking it must have happened unintentionally, then went on quickly. But Daryl's fingers tenderly stretched out over my hand, making me feel the moisture creeping into my eyes again. I focused on the words, blending out everything around me, afraid to look anywhere else but the letters on the page in front of me. I could feel his eyes on my face. I could feel his fingers closing around my hand. I couldn't breathe.

Then his other hand reached for my chin, his fingers softly turning my face away from the book. My voice trailed off, my whole face on fire. Slowly my eyes wandered up to his, still too afraid to breathe. My pulse rushed through my ears, deafening me. All I could hear was my own heartbeat. All I could see were these incredible blue eyes. I drowned in them as Daryl's face slowly came closer.

His lips brushed softly against mine.

This time I gasped.

I wasn't prepared for the sensation spreading through my body. Tiny lightning bolts running through every fibre of my system, leaving my muscles slack. And this was just the beginning, the first tiny contact.

The next second Daryl leaned in and fully pressed his mouth on mine. The hand on my cheek pulled me closer. My heart exploded as his lips started moving, forcing my mouth open. Though soft and gentle, the kiss became rougher and more demanding, his beard stubbles itching my skin. I couldn't move, my head was empty.

Daryl suddenly stopped. He leaned his forehead against mine and closed his eyes, his fingers softly stroking my cheek. I couldn't breathe and mind was out of control.

"Told ya was just surprised." His voice was low and rough.

Slowly he pulled away from me, and slipped down, stretching his legs out.

"What are you doing?"

"Gettin' more comfortable."

My head was spinning. I was so confused by the kiss I didn't protest as he grabbed my ankle and pulled me down on my back. Our heads rested on the pillow, face to face we stared at each other.

"You're not going to run now, aren't ya?"

I shook my head unable to speak. Daryl worked his arm under my neck, pulling me closer, forcing my head against his chest.

"Good." His arm was firmly around my waist, pressing me against his side.

I still felt paralyzed, afraid to move, afraid to speak. My heart hammered against my chest. It had all happened so fast. Thoughts ran through my head, voices screamed inside my mind. Was he spending the night? No way I would be able to sleep with him being so close. I felt an overwhelming urge to kiss him again. Would he flinch again? I was too afraid to try. I didn't even dare to ask what this was heading to. Maybe he would leave then.

After what seemed like an eternity I felt able to move again. Slowly I was sitting up, lifting his arm from my side and moved to the edge of the bed.

"What you doing?" his voice sounded sleepy.

"Killing the light." I whispered and blew out the candle.

When I turned back I slipped under the blanket forcing him to do the same. I stayed at the edge of the bed, lying there all tensed, my eyes fixed at the ceiling, my lips pressed together. My breath was out of control, as was my heart beat.

"Get over here!" Daryl said. His arm reached over and he roughly pulled me close to him again. I felt like a tiny puppet in his arms. He rolled on his side, wrapping his arm around me, resting his head on mine. This was so weird, like a dream, not like reality.

"I can't sleep." I whispered after a while.

"Why not?"

"Don't know."

He pushed himself up a little, looking at me. The night was so bright, I could see every detail of his face.

"Want me to leave?"

"No!" I said quickly. "I am just not… used being so close to someone."

"Me neither."

He eyed me for a second, then laid down again. His hand reached for my face, his thump stroking my cheek. I relaxed a bit.

"You give me a lot of confusing signs." I said.

"I'm not good in this." He answered after a long pause, not looking into my eyes.

"In what?"

"Talking…"

I pushed myself up to my elbows, now looking down on him and all the fear and pain from the last days were back.

"But I need… something! I don't know what this is. I need clarification. Everything else is just terrifying me!" my voice became louder. "I don't know what I am supposed to do, I'm even afraid to move because I don't know what you're up to, or if you will be running off when I touch you. Or maybe tomorrow you decide you need some time for thinking again. Or you just find out what a stupid, worthless person I am… Or…"

"Hold on!" Daryl interfered. "What a bullshit."

"Excuse me?" I looked at him in disbelieve. "I'm trying to communicate my feelings…"

"You're thinking too much. Your head'll explode filled with all that shit."

My mouth dropped open.

Daryl's hand closed around my arm, trying to pull me down again. I struggled, but he was too strong and my head fell back on the pillow next to him.

"This is…" I tried to protest in anger but he put his fingers on my lips.

"Shhhh." He said, his face coming closer. "I'm here. And I'm not going nowhere. Count on that."

He pulled his finger away but before I could voice any more protest his lips laid over mine silencing my voice. My hand reached up for his chest, tried to push him, but he caught it and pressed it down on the blanket. He moved even closer and pressed my body down with his, his lips moving roughly, his knee forcing his way between my legs. A little gasp escaped my throat. I could feel Daryl's lips stretching to a small smile. He lifted his head a bit, looking deeply into my eyes.

"You're done flipping out?"

Instead of an answer my free hand grabbed his neck and pulled his face down again. Eagerly my lips touched his, my hand slit down his back, pressing him down on me while I bent my hips up. The kiss became even more exciting as the ones before. My blood rushed through my veins, my whole body was full of sensation, his touch caused little electric bolts running from head to toe making me longing for more.

But Daryl softly pulled way, looking deeply into my eyes.

"Gonna do this right." He whispered, his fingers softly stroking my hair. All of a sudden he seemed shy again. I wasn't sure what he meant, but I nodded slightly. Daryl pulled me close again and pressed my head against his chest.

"Better sleep now."

"Yeah. As if I could after that kiss." I rolled my eyes.

He chuckled. I've never heard or seen him laugh before. His chest was slightly trembling from laughter. I relaxed a bit.

"I like the sound of that." I whispered.

"Of what?"

"Your laugh."

He didn't respond, just pulling me even closer. I could hardly breath.

Sleep wouldn't come so I laid awake listening to Daryl's steady heartbeat. It was a good sound. Alive. Reassuring.


End file.
